Confession

Well, I was going to type a long confession about the blog entry I typed yesterday. I was going to tell you how pretty much most of it was bullshit...well, at least the part where I implied that I am not or do not want to be a girly girl. I was going to type about how much I would like to wear high heel-fuck me pumps, and have the longest, fakest, reddest fingernails in the south...I want to be sexy and girly and I want to smell like a stripper.

But, something else has come up. I am severely depressed. To the point where I cant even function right now. I felt it fair to bring up what I WAS going to talk about. Just to let you know what I was really thinking, but now, what was going to be a long blog about sexual fantasies and the like, is really just going to be me telling you that if I don't get some type of help soon with my depression, things are going to get bad. Real bad. The kind of bad where someone ends up dead.

Dont worry, I am contacting a therapist and my primary care physician right now. I am not an idiot.

High Maintenance

Here's the thing. I get a call from an ex-boyfriend of mine a few days ago... Actually, he is an ex-fiance. Really, it is a long story that I won't get into right now. I will tell you this much - We met in Renton, WA in 1991 (1992?). We still keep in touch. Well, he still keeps in touch. He has told me several times that he feels so comfortable talking to me - as a matter of fact, he says he can't talk to anyone as openly as he can talk to me. I have heard this before from other men. I make men feel like they can be themselves (so I hear). My ex-husband says that he can only breathe comfortably when is around me. That I am the only one that he never had to "pretend" around.

Great. I have a string of ex-boyfriends, and ex-lovers who think that I am comfortable to be around, and fun to hang out with. The ones that know me, know that I am pretty smart too.
What's the kicker? Why don't I have any staying power?

My ex-husband came to visit over the weekend, and he says that men like high maintenance women. He said, "90% of men want a woman who is high maintenance". So, men like women that shave their legs and pussy every single day. They want a woman who curls and twirls her hair every single day, and also want a woman that does her make-up to perfection EVERY SINGLE DAY. He even remarked that men like GIRLY GIRLS, girls that complain about breaking nails, and girls whose mouths run on incessantly talking about shallow girly things.

Wow. So...I have no chance in this world of keeping a relationship of any substance. I had no idea that men prefer high maintenance chicks to this degree. Men actually enjoy the nagging and complaining? They enjoy the girls that shop and talk about clothes and make-up and jewelry and tanning and boobs?!

I don't know how to do that, and if you know me, you know I am not exactly worried about getting my nails and hair "did"... I am fucking doomed.

Believe it or not, low maintenance can be sexy. At least you know what I am going to look like in the morning.

Blog Blog

I just finished having an extra long lunch with my coworkers. My direct supervisor is from the Ukraine, and she is so very interesting. I was planning just to take a 15 minute break, but it turned into an hour.

I feel better today than I have in quite some time. I felt pretty good yesterday too. Another reason that I haven't updated since Thursday is because I have just felt like crap. I am not sure why I feel better, but I am pretty damn happy about it.

I have also starting taking that new over-the-counter diet pill Alli. Fortunately, I haven't had any of the gross possible side effects that are listed on the bottle. I wont point them out here...I need to shed the extra pounds that I have put on since getting married. Too bad I was too depressed and let down to do it while I was still married. My ex-husband is just shallow enough to have treated me better if I were skinnier.

I have been feeling pretty sexual lately. It is certainly a nice change; however, it is kind of frustrating when you aren't sure if you will ever even have sex again! But, for now, I am just glad that I am having feelings at all.

Living on my own is pretty scary, I am going to admit this one time and one time only. I am sooo scared that I can't make it on my own for long enough to finish school. I just need 2 years. 2 years! Let me work this part time job long enough to make it thru school. PLEASE! I've got to do this.

I am rambling on today. Maybe, it is my new vitamins. I bought some hair and nail vitamins, and I seem to have some more energy - happy energy. I really haven't felt this happy in ohhh 6 months or more.

Veiner Schnitzel, I think of you all the time, and I can not wait until you are feeling better.

Must go.

Pizza

Only 2 hours left here at work. The day has flown by. One of the girls has a birthday today, so we got to have a pizza and cake party! That helped a lot. After having the past two days off, I was dreading work today, but hey, not too shabby.

My back is hurting. I feel like I strained it somehow...damn. I cant really stand for very long without feeling a burning sensation up and down my back. Ouch. Oh well.

We signed the divorce papers yesterday! Woo hoo! I got the husband to agree to meet me at the house, and then we went over together to sign the papers. I thought that might be the only way to ensure that he would actually sign the papers. I could just imagine myself begging him everyday for the next 6 months to stop by the attorney own his own. I promise you, I would never be divorced.

He was kind of pissy at the end when we were almost done signing. He started throwing the papers at the notary after he signed each one, and then he jumped up and asked if they needed anything else from him. After that, he stormed out. I apologized for his behavior, and the lady just said, "It's okay, you never know how they are going to react". I bet she has seen some drama. I came outside to get in the car, and I asked him what happened, and he said, "This isn't the happiest day of my life, you know". While, I understand that this isn't the happiest day of his life, I do know that sometimes, we should just act like adults, even if we dont feel like it. I do it ALL the time...it is easy. Well, the papers got signed, and I should be a free woman in about 30 days.

I am feeling pretty darn okay about the whole thing. My friend next door says that she thinks I am in shock, and that it will hit me eventually. I don't hold that same theory. I think have been mourning the loss of our marriage for years, and that I am already healing. The divorce is just the last step in my healing process. Now, he just needs to get all of his stuff out of my house.

Yo

I went to the doctor today for a physical. My blood pressure was high. I am certain that my blood pressure is caused by my weight gain. Anyway, they took a lot of blood and I should hear something soon.

The husband was supposed to meet me to sign the divorce papers today, but of course, he had a million excuses as to why he couldn't do it today. Figures. I made him promise that he would do it tomorrow. I am so tired of this. I want out, and I want out NOW.

I have been feeling a little less depressed. Probably because I started my period, and that always makes a girl feel special...

The other day, the husband came by to look over the divorce papers and he told me that we could have sex, no strings attached, if I were ever in the need. HAHAHAHAHA! No strings attached. Wow! Thanks! What a fucking deal! Um...no fucking thank you, dumbass?!

Sex is the absolute last thing on my mind right now. Well, maybe not the last thing, but sex with HIM is the last thing on my mind. I am trying to figure out how not to become a lesbian after all of this.

I took the day off, so that I could go to the Dr, and then sign the divorce papers. I guess I will go enjoy the rest of my day, since I wont be signing any papers today.

Crappy Day

It seems the more depressed I am, the harder it is to post a blog entry.

I got the paperwork back from the attorney and looked it over last night. I see no problems, and I don't see that the husband will see any problems either. I hope that paperwork signed and notarized ASAP.

I am not sure if I am really depressed about the marriage ending, or if I am just depressed. I really think I am okay with the divorce. Last night, I think I was more depressed about thinking that I had fucked up at work, and not really so much about getting the papers from the attorney.

Last night, I drank too much Sherry, and smoked too many cigarettes with my friend next door.
I had a hangover when I woke up. Blah. Luckily, I only have another 40 minutes to go here at work. I am back to part time hours.

Yesterday was a crappy day. I hope this day goes better. It has so far, I guess. I started my period finally after being 2 freakin weeks late. No pregnancy scare here though. Sad, but true.

The husband has agreed to take our german shepherd/lab mix with him. I just can't take care of so many animals. 2 dogs and a cat. Cyrus (the sheperd), is such a cool dog. He is smart, and house trained and everything you would ever need in a watch dog. He also LOVES my soon to be ex. I am so glad that he agreed to take Cyrus. I was so worried about having to take so many animals to the vet, and buying so much food. Yay for me! Yay for Cyrus!

Attorney

Today I met with the divorce attorney. She said she would have the paperwork ready in about a week, and after the paperwork is signed, it will be 31 days before the divorce is final. That will be a relief. This story needs an ending.

I don't know why I have been so tired. Once I get home, I can't even function. I feel so lazy, but I just can't do anything about it. I could lie down and sleep right now - I could have gone to sleep at 6:30. I made a dr's appt for next week. I am going to get a physical. Hopefully, I am just fat and lazy and depressed...

I am about to go next door to hang out with my friend. Maybe, I will have a glass of Sherry. That'll wake me up, right?

School starts tomorrow. Yuck. I am almost too tired to think about it. At least I don't have to work tomorrow. The project is finished. I had my yearly review at work yesterday and passed with flying colors. I love my job, so that wasn't too hard to accomplish. I will write more on that later...

Gotta go lay down before I mosey next door. Ugh.

Well

I smell poop. I think the dog must have pooped somewhere around my computer desk. It is hidden somewhere...I just know it.

The husband dropped by today to tell me that he did not want a divorce, and that he would do anything to save our marriage.

Wha?

Overtime

I am trying to decide whether to stay late at work tonight to make up a couple of hours, or if I should just come in tomorrow for a couple of hours. I am thinking about the latter. I could stay late, but it just seems so damn easy to come in on Saturday for a couple of hours. No big deal at all really. Especially not since I have been doing it for a couple of weeks. It would seem weird not to. The only thing is, since we got "holiday" pay on the 4th, I wont be getting any overtime this week, so I am only planning to work 40 hours. I dont really even have to do the full 40 hours. I am only obligated for 25; however, I want the money. I could just say F*ck it and not work on Saturday or Sundayn and not make up the 2 hours that I need to make 40 hours. Since I am part time, they only give me 6 hours instead of 8 on holidays. ( I feel lucky to get paid at all!).
Does anyone really care about this? Will I care about reading this months from now????

I am taking Saturday and Sunday off. That settles it.

The husband is coming over to move his stuff out on Sunday, and I haven't had the chance to get it all ready. I want to make the transaction as smooth as possible. I haven't cleaned house in two weeks it seems, and next week, school starts back. Oh, and Tuesday, I have a meeting with the divorce attorney. I am starting to wonder if I shouldnt just try and file the papers without an attorney. IT is so expensive, and my parents are paying. I just feel bad.

I will work as long as I can possibly stand it today, and then I am out of here for the weekend.

Anyhow.

Dead People

Here is the deal. I am getting better and better. I am lucky that I don't have kids. A friend of mine is going through a divorce, and his ex is moving to another state and taking his children. Things could certainly be worse for me. He is devastated. I feel really bad for him. Nothing in my life is more important than my daughter, and I can't even try to imagine how he feels...Something like that doesnt have an ending...it just goes on.

I had a great 4th. I went to a bbq next door. The night before, I actually went out to a bar. I was the designated driver (as usual), but I had one drink and that was enough for me. My two friends were trashed! I mean, TRASHED. But, hey, they arrived home safe and sound thanks to me. One friend, we will call him *P*, anyway, *P* decided he could see dead people, and while we were playing Yahtzee back at the house, he kept telling me that he had never seen so many "people" around someone before. I told him that there are a lot of people in my family are dead, and he said "I KNOW! IT'S CRAZY!! THERE ARE A LOT!". That was funny. It kinda freaked me out. I left not too long after.

First of all, if I have so many dead relatives following me around, I want to know if they are there when I masturbate. Also, why are they with me, and not with my mom or dad?

The husband called me last night after I got home from the bbq. He was drunk and wanted to know if he could come by and crash on my couch. I told him "NO". He begged and begged for a few minutes, but I told him that I am no longer responsible for him and that he needed to call someone else. I think he is getting the picture.

Thank God my friend moved next door. If I were just a tad bit lonelier, I may not have had the strength to finally start telling him no.

After much thought, I have decided to go back to my maiden name after the divorce. I thought that would be like moving backward...but, the more I think about it, the more I feel it would be like moving forward to me. Moving on.

Things are good.

What?

Okay, I just have to post these two emails that I got from the husband today:

"How are you today?Any plans for 4th of Julie ?"

My response:

"Good. I am a little sleepy/spacey, but otherwise…I feel good. I took Frankie for a short walk this morning (very short). It was nice.

Yes, we are having a big cook out next door.

How are u?"

His reply:

"I'm good, sore from the ride yesterday. We did over 200 miles all the way up to Ellijay.*Step-daughter* is leaving for Florida with one of her friends today. She'll be gone until the 18th, then she's moving back in with her mom.

Hey, if I get a backrest, would you still like to go on one of those rides up in the mountains?

I don't know what I'm gonna do on the 4th.Ya'll should be able to see the fireworks from the house huh ?

I've got to get my own place...I'm going insane. I had to have a talk with mom today...about how I was born 43 years ago and that I retain things in my brain like how to do everyday things...."I can even tie my shoes and say my ABC's now".... "

What the hell??? What is he thinking? Could somebody tell me? Why would I go on a ride up to the mountains with him? And why is he trying to get me to invite him over for the 4th? Again, why cant he just be a man?

Self Makeover

I am sooo looking forward to July 4th this year. Not because of the festivities, but just because I wont have to come in to this place. I have worked about 15 days in a row. Now, I know that some people are work-aholics and working 7 days a week isnt so foreign to them, but I am NOT a work-aholic. I cherish my days off like most people. I am just running out of steam.

A few minutes ago, I was feeling weird. Like I-might-pass-out kind of weird. Not sure what that was about, but I am feeling a bit better now. I took one Goody powder, one half xanax, and one propranolol 40mg. Amazing what drugs can do.

My wrists are feeling a little better. I am pushing on. I do hope that I dont do any permanent damage. I doubt I will. I am actually trying to take really good care of them. I am taking anti-inflammatory meds, and wearing a brace, and trying not to do much house work...

The husband called last night and asked if he could "sneak by" and watch my new favorite TV show, ICE ROAD TRUCKERS, with me. Hmmm. He called around 4pm and I purposely didnt answer, because I new he would want to come over. So, he called back around 8pm, and I thought it would be safe to answer, because it was too late for him to swing by...right? Well, I answered, and that is when has asked if he could "sneak by". I said, "I really wasn't expecting company tonight, so." Lucky for me, he took that as a NO, and kinda rambled on for a second or two, and then let me go. He sounded shocked that I said no, even if it was a weak, or implied "no". This is the first weekend that I can remember, that he didn't wriggle his way over to my house for one reason or another. It feels better this way. It feels like it is supposed to feel. I DONT WANT HIM AT MY HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND. IT IS MY HOUSE DAMN IT!

TAKE YOUR SHIT AND STAY AWAY. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO MOVE OUT...YOU WANTED THE DIVORCE, EVEN IF YOU ARE TOO CHICKEN SHIT TO ADMIT IT. NOW BE A MAN AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY. STOP DOING YOUR "PUSSY CHECK" CALLS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND!

Geez. Sorry about that.

I took Frankie, the bulldog, for a walk this morning. It felt good. He can't walk very far, so I am going to start taking him for walks in the morning, when it is cooler outside, and then I will do a more vigorous walk alone in the afternoon when it is hot. Just finally getting out there this morning is a beginning.

Time for my divorce self-makeover. Don't we all get one?? Lose weight, get in shape, and become the person we always wanted to be...

The make-over phase has begun. Too bad the get-your-shit-out phase isn't over yet. I hadn't meant for those to overlap...but, the husband is dragging out his part.

I am excited.