New Year's Eve

I am here at work again. I was an hour late this morning. Not that anyone cares. My boss isn't even here. I am so tired.

My daughter and I went to the memorial service for her friend yesterday. It was sad and draining. They had a slide show of photos and it was an "open" forum. We were all enouraged to stand and say something about Michael. I was doing well enough just to sit in my chair and keep my sanity. Several people got up and said their peace. My daughter and I sat and held her ex-boyfriend's hand (who was very close friends with the boy). We met Michael through my daughter's ex-boyfriend. And I can say, if I had not had him to hang on to when I entered the memorial service, I might not have made it to my chair. When I looked up and realized that they had that beautiful boy's pictures on a slide show at the front of the room, I let out a gasp and grabbed Seth's arm. My daughter's ex, being the man he is, understood and stood firm for me while leading me to my chair. After which, he broke down and reached out for mine and my daughter's hands. I thought that I would feel better after the service. Like, closure...But, that didn't happen. I think it is because of his age, and the tragic manner in which he died. Beautiful, beautiful Michael will remain in our hearts forever.

My daughter collapsed with exhaustion and slept for hours after we got home. I can't even begin to imagine how Michael's family feels. I don't want to imagine. I just pray that they make it through.

I don't want to be here today. I want to be at home.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to turn over a new leaf. Try to be healthier. But, I think I may add making life more exciting. Trying some new things. Maybe, even trying something dangerous like sky diving or base jumping (kidding), but really, life is short and I should take advantage. I use to fear dying, but now I just think that I fear "not living".

Christmas

Christmas was a grand affair. My daughter and step-daughter loved their gifts for their apartment. Now, we just need to find an apartment to stick them in.

Yesterday, one of my daughter's male friends committed suicide. He shot himself in the head. I am not sure exactly when he shot himself, I just know that he died last night. I loved this boy. He was one of my favorites. We had the same favorite band in common, and he would get so excited talking to me about music. He talked a lot, and he was really "out there". He was a genius. He was so smart that it drove him crazy. I have only met a handful of people out there like him, and now we are one less. We haven't talked to him in about a year or so, just because that is how things happen when you are 19 or 20...but, I can't help but think about how things might be different if we had only kept in touch with him. Could anyone have done anything to change it? One little tiny effort on someone elses part could have made a difference. I am good with teenagers, if only I had told him that if he were ever feeling down he could call me at any time. I feel sad, and I am also angry at him. I always wondered how people could be angry at someone that committed suicide, but now I know. I would like to stop time - grab the gun from his hand, and beat his ass.

The funeral is Saturday. I'll have to prepare myself.

My daughter is also crushed. I actually walked in on them making out once. However, she didnt want to be more than friends, and kinda broke his heart. I know that she feels tremendous guilt. I will have to remember to focus on her heart and not my own.

Christmas Eve

So, I have this friend. Well, I'll call him a friend. Anyway, blogs are all about confessions, right? Since this person no longer reads my journal, I feel pretty safe about posting this blog entry.

Earlier this year, say around February (I think?), my husband and I took at trip up north to pick up a friend.

You know what? What I have to say about this person is going to take much longer than I have right now. I will have to finish this entry later.

It is Christmas Eve, and I am at work. I am planning to leave around 2. Jolly good times.

I really have nothing to say. Wow.

Lovely Saturday

I came into work this morning, and it is berry, berry quiet. I can write a blog entry in peace. Yowza.

I had planned to wake up at 5am and do some Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart, but that didn't quite work out as planned. I crawled out of bed around 6:40am, stumbled around, got back in the bed and snuggled wth my bulldog Frankie til around 7:30am. I finally managed to make it to Wal-Mart around 8:30am. It was crowded, but not nearly as crowded as I had thought it would be. It was actually a rather pleasant crowd. I got all my stuff and was out by 9:11. I couldn't believe it!

I managed to get my daughter some stuff for her apartment (when she moves out). I got a microwave, blender, bagel toaster, and coffee pot, all for around $110.00. I do believe that is the CHEAPEST that I have ever gotten off for Christmas. I am still in awe of myself. And the thing is, it LOOKS like a lot of stuff! She will think I spent BILLIONS! I am so happy. I am going to make her a little stocking and stuff some cash and candy in there, and I am D-O-N-E. Shew!

My ex-husband keeps complaining that he doesnt have any money to spend on his children for Christmas. I have to keep biting my tongue to keep from offering to help him out. Actually, the gifts that I bought for my daughter are going to be for his daughter as well, since his daughter and my daughter will be sharing the apartment. I just have to keep reminding myself that he spent his money on bullshit that he didn't need, and I sacrificed so that I could buy my daughter's Christmas. I am; however, going to make his daughter a matching stocking to the one I am giving my daughter. I love his daughter very, very much...but, the gift will be from me, not him.

I feel really good today. The only thing I have left to do today is get myself a pedicure. I keep trying to talk myself out of it, because it seems like such a waste of money to spend it on myself. But, damn-it! I deserve it.

Wide Load

I just got my paycheck, and it sucked! But the good new is, after looking at what I made this year, I won't be losing my financial aid for school any time soon! Woo hoo!

I need to force myself to work a few more hours than I have been. I have been really taking advantage of my flexible schedule, and this is not a good thing. I think I am going to come in for a few hours on Saturday to punish myself. Oh yes, I like to be punished...even if I have to do it myself.

So, I have a new haircut, and my daughter colored my hair. It has actually been a couple of weeks since I had it done. I love it. I have been styling my hair every single day, which is waaaay out of character for me. My hair just looks so nice after being blown dry . It looks thicker and healthier. I am really going to start taking better care of myself in the new year. Yes. I am. Really. I am going to take care of me. No kidding. Really. Yes.

Next thing on my agenda this week is getting a pedicure, and I am STILL planning on skating down the Silver Comet Trail. Please! Encourage me. I need all the encouragement I can get when it comes to exercise these days. I can hardly make myself get up off the couch. That isn't me. I don't know who has taken over my body, but I want it back!

Counseling was a bit hard yesterday. I don't want to talk a lot about it, but I do want to say that I need to find a way to seperate from the girls that I counsel after they walk out the door. I find myself obsessing over their situations, and I just can't do that to myself. It isn't productive. Last night I finally had to pray out loud about one of the girls. I had to let the words pass thru my lips and out into the air. Otherwise, I felt that my prayer might not be heard. I don't know how to explain it, but it did help. I need to find a constructive way to deal with the load I have chosen to carry.

Life Good

I am trying to sneak an entry while at work. Geez, I need to get internet at home. The only thing about that is that my ex-husband will probably be spying on anything that I put on the computer and I don't necessarily want him reading my journal. Although, there was a time that I wanted him to read my journal, and he wasn't interested. Imagine that. Your wife writes a journal about all of her thoughts and fantasies, and you are not interested in reading it. Hmmm. I guess I don't know a lot about what goes on in a man's head. I think maybe he was intimidated by my fantasies. I think he thought he wouldn't be able to live up to my imagination. And you know what? He was right.

Things are still going fine with our living situation. He has stopped trying to give me a peck on the lips every time he leaves, and he has not made any type of sexual move or insinuations, etc. I am sooo glad, because to tell you the truth, the thought of any sexual contact with him makes me want to vomit. I am enjoying the nice platonic relationship that we have formed, and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize that we will never be anything more than friends. At least on my end. I do hope that he doesn't have any fantasies of living happily ever after, because that just isn't going to happen. Not in the sense of romantically ever after. If he is holding on to any type of false hope, it isn't my fault. I have made it pretty clear where I stand.

I am going to take my roller skates out to the Silver Comet Trail this weekend. I've got to get a helmet and some safety gear. I aint as young as I used to be, and since I have been lucky enough to have suffered a brain hemmorhage a few years back, I will definitely be covering my noggin with a helmet.

Hi

Ohhh. I have been meaning to update. It just sucks not having internet at home. The ex and I are going to split the cost to get Comcast wireless, so we can have internet in EVERY room. I am tired of not being able to blog, or check my private email. I can't check anything from work - all private emails are blocked from access. I can't even check my school email. I am surprised that I can even get to blogspot...BUT I CAN!! Haha!

Things are going really well. I got my first check from my financial aid. That was awesome and well needed. I am still waiting on my IRS tax refund (2006) check to be deposited in my account. I sent it off a couple of weeks ago, so it should be any minute now. Woo hoo!

I counseled at the pregnancy center yesterday, and it was my first day counseling the women on my own. Geez! It is so much better being in there alone with the girls. They are so much more responsive one on one, and my brain sure functions alot better without someone watching my every move. I had a good day. I had two clients. Both of them were young girls. I could hear one of the girls crying in the room before I even opened the door. Needless to say, she was smiling and hugging me when she left. What a sweetheart.

Things seem to be working out just fine with my ex being my room mate. For real. It isn't that bad at all. It is like having a companion without all the bullshit and compromise that goes on in a marriage. I say "compromise" because I was the only one who did any. I compromised my health, and sanity on a daily basis...hehe (get it!?).
I don't have anything to lose. It is awesome actually. I come and go when I please, he does the same - and still no hanky panky.

Already?!

I can NOT believe that it is December 7th already.

Did I mention that my ex-husband did move back in? He moved into the back bedroom last week. It is kinda weird...kinda not. He tells me he loves me occasionally. I never respond. He gives me a peck on the lips in the morning when he leaves for work. That is a little odd. But, other than that, we are friends. No sex, no hanky panky, no making out. So far things are fine.

I must admit that listening to him bitch and complain about work(and everything else that went "wrong" for him during the day)is quite boring, and mind numbing. I hate his constant rambling about dumb ass shit and all the important things he plans to do with his life. I am so over it. He is full of shit and I have accepted that. I do not want to be anything other than friends with him, and I have accepted that as well.

It is funny how things have turned out. I do not have ANY hopes, or expectations of reconciling with the ex. I hope he has sense enough to do the same. I am so relieved to have a room mate to share the bills with. I wish I didnt have to listen to his mouth, but whatever. It beats finding a stranger to move in with. It also beats living with another female.

My daughter got her financial aid award as well. I hope she hasn't blown her Hope scholarship this term. There is a chance that she did, which means she may have to accept a loan that she was offered until she is eligible for Hope again. That pisses me off, because she is a smart girl, she just doesnt realize how not having that scholarship is going to mess with her financially. Whatever.

Sooo, guess better get back to work.

Funny Thing

Well, I found out today that I will be getting financial aid for school. I have never been eligible for any type of financial aid. Well, Georgia has the Hope grant and/or scholoarship, and so far the Hope grant has been doing good things for me...but, this is different. I am actually getting financial aid!! Like a grant. When I was younger, my dad made too much money for me to qualify, and he couldn't afford to pay for my schooling. When I got older, I was making too much money to qualify...even being a single parent. Now, I finally qualify after taking a job with reduced hours and pay (while I was married), and then divorcing my husband. WOW! I can't believe it! It isn't a lot, but it is enough for me not to have to worry about working reduced hours AND eating. My daughter should qualify for a similar award. I am so relieved. I hope this will help her move out on her own like she wants.

Anyway, I just want to thank God for everything He does for me.

Oh, and I finally started my period last Friday - just before I went out with the girls for a lovely evening on the town. That is a story for another day, though.

God is good. Life is alright. Things are going to get better.