Peace on Earth

My dogs are barking. The house is very clean. I smell bleach. It is dark, cloudy and drizzly outside, but not cold. I can hear the dryer turning in the kitchen, and I am thinking about washing my clothes for the week. I am alone. I am finally alone.

My alone time is very precious to me, and I haven't had enough of it lately. My daughter has moved out, but sleeps on my couch most of the time still. My nephew drops by unannounced at least 3 times a night, and my ex is alway here. They have all finally left for the evening, and for once, I can have some peace.

Tomorrow, I am going to spend some time with my beautiful mother. I have not seen her in a couple of weeks, and I need my "mommy" time. She keeps me sane.

I went running today in the drizzle. It was nice. I love to run in the rain. My running partner and I are only running 3 times a week. I think I will start going without her a couple of days a week. I am really getting the bug, so I must run more often. I think she was kind of mad that I decided to go and visit my mom tomorrow instead of going to church with her. I don't care. She went to see Ron White tonight and invited someone else to go...so THERE.

I feel a headache creeping up the back of my neck. Soon it will devour the right side of my head. I am starting to feel a deep need to become Jackie Chan, or Jim Carey, so I know that PMS is on the horizon. I don't just want to imitate Jackie Chan or Jim Carey, I want to become them. It is usually one or the other. Right now, I am feeling sort of Jackie Chan-ish, but it could flip very quickly. I'm never both at the same time.

So, enough of my crazy talk. I should take advantage of my alone time and masturbate.

Waiting

I am waiting patiently to hear from school about my admission to the program. Waiting, waiting, waiting. We are always waiting. I am kind of a "right now!" person. I hate to wait. Oh, I was sooo impatient when I was younger. I am still impatient, I just have to stuff it down, and sometimes I just want to scream! However, on the outside, no one would ever know.

My daughter just started taking birth control again. She has a new boyfriend. (Hey. She is almost 20, so what can I say?). I am very glad that she is taking control of her body. I am relieved, especially since the ex is going to be a grandpa. I'm not ready. I would deal with it - just like my parents did, but I am not ready. She also received the maximum amount of financial aid for next school year as well. Woo hoo!
I just have to keep praying that she makes the right decisions. There is still time for things to go very wrong, because my daughter is, afterall, human.

I have slept with my CPAP machine for the past two nights in a row - ALL NIGHT! Now, that is an accomplishment to be proud of. I feel good.

My friend and I are still running. Twice this week so far, and we are going again tomorrow. I can already tell that I am losing weight around my belly. I just want to look good...for myself. I am tired of avoiding places and friends because I feel fat, or because I am afraid they will ask me if I am pregnant. Women have to worry about those things, ya know. It hasn't happened yet, but I expect it too if I dont keep exercising.

Oh. Oh...and my libido is coming back full force. I am keeping my vibrator in my bed at all times now, just in case of emergency.

Not Much

I have had the urge to cut my hair lately, but I am going to keep on keepin on. I must remain steadfast in my commitment. Especially, since I am jogging again and I am starting to notice some weight loss. I can't remember having long hair, and being skinny at the same time. Every time I start getting into shape, I get the urge to cut my hair again.

I have another mammogram on Thursday. No big deal. Just a re-check. I am not too worried about it. I am more anxious about going back to my primary care doctor and getting my thyroid tested again. I am still torn between hoping that I am finally going to find a cure to my fatigue and sluggishness, and finding out that I have to take yet another pill every day to keep my fat ass healthy. I am hoping that the jogging is going to have a significant effect on my triglyceride levels. One thing that pisses me off, is that I do not eat alot. I don't sit around snacking. It is rare for me to buy junk food, and I drink water all day long. Some of my friends have made comments about my not eating as much as they expected for me to have gained so much weight over the past few years. I'm not really sure what the deal is. I watch television and it always says, cut out sodas and junk food...blah blah blah...drink more water. Every time I hear that most overweight people have a "stash" of junk food, or drink most of their calories, I get so pissed. I don't do those things. Arrrgh! The only way for me to truly lose weight (and I know I have said this before), is to run 4 miles a day - every day. I guess that is why I am picking up jogging again. I know that it will help some, but it wont entirely take care of my weight. Last time I was running 4 miles a day, sometimes more, I lost weight, but I was not even close to being my ideal weight. I would have had to cut my food intake in half, and then I wouldn't have the energy to run. Whatever.

Other than that, I am feeling really good about myself. I feel I am moving toward the person that I want to be. I am in a good place mentally.

I know my blog has been pretty boring as of late. The only thing on my mind anymore is getting ahead in school, getting healthy, and trying to get proper sleep. Basic things. 2 more years of school seems like an awful long time right now. I am really trying to get that out of my head.

My ex's son got his girlfriend pregnant, so it looks like he is going to be a grandpa. I am secretly excited about the prospect. I love his son, and therefore, I will be loving on a grand baby. Since, I decided not to have anymore children after my daughter was born, I think this will fill a special place in my heart until my own daughter has her children YEARS from now.