Marriage

My husband hasn't lived in our house since the middle of February. We are in limbo.
I am trying to decide what is best for our situation, but I can't figure it out. I love spending time with him, and I can see myself with him in the future. I don't understand what the hold up is. Well, I know it is me - the hold up is me, I guess. I am afraid of getting hurt again. While our decision to divorce was mutual, it was kind of...well, it was a decision that had to be made based upon the fact that my husband was not very nice to me, and I, for some time, thought it was all me. I thought that I was either crazy, unlovable, or that I just wasn't cut out for marriage, because marriage fucking sucked. I thought I was missing the point of marriage. I was feeling hurt, and moving quickly toward feeling nothing.

My husband moved out as we agreed, and within a week, he decided that he did not want to divorce, and set about to win me back. He came on hard, fast and strong, in an attempt to let me know under no uncertain terms, that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. For a few weeks, I was showered with flowers and cards, and weeping "I love you"'s...which of course, faded in time. I am not really sad about that, because it might have killed him to keep that up forever...but, I am a little confused, because I feel he has dropped back the other way, in an attempt to give me space, or to give himself space...I am not sure. I am not feeling neglected per se, I am just having a little trouble deciphering where we are going.

Well, I sent an email to him at work to let him know that I think he should just move back in, so that we can work on living together. I hate being in limbo. If it isn't going to work, we should figure it out as soon as possible, and if it is...well, we should figure it out as soon as possible.

I'm tired.