Hmmm.

I dreamed that I cut my hair off last night. That isn't going to happen! I keep thinking that I might look better with a shorter hair cut, but I dont care!!! I want long hair damn it!

I got a call from my doctor yesterday, and my total cholesterol is over 400, and my triglycerides are over 2000. Now, if you aren't familiar with that type of stuff, let just say that I am pretty much the walking dead. With triglycerides being over just 1000, a person is at extreme risk of developing acute pancreatitis...not to mention, um...A HEART ATTACK!

I am overweight, but not to the point where you would think that my cholesterol would be so damn high. My ex husbands isnt even that high, and he is a big guy that eats a lot of crap! I dont eat that much, and I dont eat that shitty. Anyway, I am now on two different types of cholesterol medicine. Go me!

I had a terrible migraine yesterday - and everyone at work got to see me at my finest. I was having a tough time just speaking. Just think about the absent minded professor, and multiply that by a thousand. I know I just looked like an idiot. Everyone was so sweet though. I hate for anyone to see me that way. The pain is so intense that it is just hard to function. I drove myself home and went to bed (after taking a handful of meds). I am glad and amazed that it is the first time that my new employer/coworkers have seen me with a migraine. Since I work part time, I usually have them at home, or I can rearrange my schedule to accomodate. Yesterday, I just thought I was going to lick the migraine before it progressed to that extent. I was wrong. Oh well.

Stuff

Geez! A couple of weeks ago, my mom told me that my nephew had lice. Now, I was only around him for a brief period of time (in my mom's van, and at my house), but my scalp has been crawling for the past two weeks, and I can't stop thinking about it. Can anyone say, "OBSESS MUCH?". I swear...I know in my head that I do not have lice, and that it is nearly impossible for it to jump off of his head on to mine within the matter of minutes that he was around me, but, there is always that slim chance. He DID pet my dog, and sit on my couch, and I DID ride in the same car with him. I will probably obsess over this for a couple more weeks, and then I will eventually forget about it. ARRRRGH!

I just called my attorney's office, and they haven't gotten my papers back from the judge yet. It has been 31 days + 7 days now. I am not happy. I want those divorce papers signed, and I want to get rolling on all the name change crap that I have to do. Also, I hate being in limbo...Do I introduce myself as Blah blah, or Blah dee?

Ew. My scalp is just crawling.

Oh and I lost 6 lbs. Not even trying. I am not even hungry. It is this antidepressant. I eat until I am full and then I eat no more. I don't even really notice that I am hungry until I am absolutely starving.

One Month

I have one month left until this quarter is over. I am taking tomorrow off so that I can study for two biology tests that I have on Wednesday. I think I have an algebra test tonight. I am pretty sure he said tonight. Algebra is my Arch Nemesis - I have never been good at Algebra, and after this quarter, I will be done with it forever! Muah hahaha! I am so good at everything else. But it does seem like it is finally sinking in. I am terribly worried before each test, but hey...I am not quitting. Not this time.

One month. I am really going to celebrate.

Hey, my divorce should be final. I should be single as I sit and type this. I haven't received my signed paperwork yet. Maybe, I should call the lawyer.

The ex-husband came over and washed & waxed my car yesterday. Interesting. We also went to church yesterday morning, and then out to eat lunch...My daughter is trying to figure out what he has up his sleeve, but I think he is just lonely, and I am comfortable to him. And HEY, my car looks damn fabulous.

I guess I should get back to work.

Saturday Work

I am at work on Saturday. I asked my boss if I could come in on Saturdays to get a few more hours in. I live 15 minutes from work, so it isn't like a huge deal. I don't even have to dress up. I have on a black tshirt and jogging pants today. Actually, I really don't mind being here at all on Saturday. I usually wake up around 7 or 8am anyway to take the dog out, and then I spend a few hours on the couch planning out my day. This way, I can plan my day at work from 8am-12pm, and make money while I am doing it.

I just need the money. I am so afraid of not being able to make it. I am one tiny little disaster away from not being able to pay my bills.

My ex husband is kind of getting on my nerves with his not being able to let go thing. He is constantly calling and always inviting me places. I really just wish he would move on with his life. I am tired of being his sounding board, and his friend...but, I am a nice person, so I will probably never tell him to leave me alone. I kind of feel sorry for him. This is what he wanted, and now, he seems lost.

I want to pamper myself, or at least get a damn haircut. Hence, another reason for me to be at work on Saturday. I hope this works out.

Commitment

It is interesting that going through a divorce has helped me better understand the concept of commitment. I am realizing things about myself that I haven't ever realized. Like the fact that I don't have commitment issues - unless it pertains to commiting to myself.

What I mean is that I would have stayed fully committed in my marriage and to my husband, because I said I would, and I made a promise before God, my family and friends. I believe that marriage should be forever; however, I can't be the only person committed to the marriage, and it took me a while, but I finally realized that no matter how much one might be committed to something, if that something requires a partner to be just as committed...and that partner is not willing, nor able to commit, well, power is lost, and your commitment means nothing.

Having said all that, what I can control are the commitments that I make to myself.
This is the first time that this concept has crossed my mind. I can make commitments to myself, and actually keep them. Power in my hands, all in my control. My power. My commitments. Whether it be to follow through with college, or grow my hair to my ass, or to keep my kitchen spotless...it is all MY power.

I have realized that while I haven't struggled with commitment to my daughter, or my husband, I have not made a real commitment to myself. I haven't really known that I could until now. To realize this makes me feel reborn, and powerful.

For you, Grant.

Wow. I am a space cadet right now. I am taking a new antidepressant and I am just absent minded. I LIKE IT! It is nice to just drift around, bobbing my head for a while, instead of worrying all day about nothing, or lying around on the couch, because I can't stand myself enough to pry myself off the couch and do something constructive.

When I first started taking it, it made me really speedy. I felt like I was on speed without the nervousness, or anxiety. I turned into an Algebra wizard! I did algebra for hours! It was kinda weird. I couldnt sit down, and sit still. TV was very uninteresting. Of course, that phase only lasted a few days, and now I am dopey and smiley, and I feel good pretty much all over.

In all seriousness, I do feel better. Life looks better, and I am able to continue on with school without wondering why I am putting myself thru it. I just wish I had a magic pill that would make me LOVE to clean house. My house is a wreck...but I feel good.

The ex-husband came over Saturday and took me to dinner and a movie. He tried to hold my hand during the movie, and he tried to kiss me after dropping me off at home.
I did not hold his hand, and I gave him the cool cheek when he went to kiss my lips.
He has lost his mind. He kept calling me beautiful all night. His plan at the beginning of the day had been for us to go out of town and get a hotel (to relax, he said). Anyway, I turned that idea down flat, so it morphed into dinner and a movie.
At least, I got the hundred dollars he owed me.

School is going well. I am going to change my major over to Radiology Tech for sure. I made up my mind. I think it will be the better decision in the long run, and possibly the short run too (which is why I am changing).

I could ramble on all day. This antidepressant makes me focus on one thing VERY intently, but I must get back to work.

Quickie

I am posting a quick blog before I leave work in 10 minutes. Got some time to waste.

I am thinking about changing my major from Medical Lab Technology to Radiology Tech. There seems to be a little more money(okay, alot) in Radiology, and I want MONEY. Of course, if I do Rad Tech, I would have to work with people again; however, I would be able to specialize in an area of interest and it would dictate the type of people I talk to...Hell, they might even be under anesthesia... I don't know. But, I need to figure it out soon.

I keep thinking about cutting my hair, but I dont want to. I mean, I need a trim, but I want to keep growing it long. I just wish my mind would stop thinking of cute short hair cuts. I promised myself I would grow my hair until I was out of school. It is at my bra strap now. I think it is just at an awkward length.

So, I am going to check the website at the skating rink, and if they have 21 and over night this Sunday night, I will be there or be square. Well, I am already a square.