Damn!

Damn, my house is clean. One of the complaints that my husband had about me was that my house cleaning wasn't quite up to his standards. I won't go much into that, but I was working full time and so was he, and he expected me to be Martha Stewart, and he insisted that our house should look like Better Homes and Gardens. But, he always lived in fantasy land, and I knew that I would never meet up to his standards. I have to admit, I let things go, just because I knew that no matter what, he would never be satisfied.

Since I have started cleaning all of HIS junk and clutter out of my house, and placing it on my porch for him to pick up (whenever that might be), my house is slowly but surely coming together. I am finding that I am not a messy person at all. My daughter has started keeping her room clean, and if it weren't for me having to pick up after my rambunctious bulldog, I would hardly have anything to clean. My house smells like bleach, my bed is made and everything is in its place. I actually feel like I can live here in this old house, and I feel relaxed.

This is definitely not a house that a single woman needs to live in. There are electrical things that need to be fixed, things are always falling apart. There is a big yard that needs to be cut(which I have no problem doing - I just might have picked somewhere without such a big yard had I known). I thought I was going to have a husband and a partner to help me, but it didn't quite turn out that way. He knew, though. He knew when we moved in this house in January that he wasn't going to be here long. He moved out in February. Left me with the rent and a house that is falling in. Luckily, I have an excellent landlord and if anything major goes wrong, she will take care of it.

Okay, I guess I am having a bitter moment. I am such an independent person, and have no problem taking care of myself. I just wish sometimes, that someone would look after me for a change. That didn't happen in my marriage, I was still the major bread winner and I took care of everything but taking out the trash.

I really am fine, but I do have to remember now and then that I just got out of a divorce in which my spouse took away my dignity, my money, and all respect that I had for myself. I think the bitterness is coming from the fact that I am doing better on my own (not financially), but emotionally, physically, and in all other aspects of my life.

I pushed my ex away again this weekend, and told him, I just needed my space. He is still being shady, and I am just not into the drama. I have signed legal papers that say I am free from his drama now, so I don't need him doing his PUSSY check call every single night.

Oh geez. I never know what is going to come out of my brain when I sit down to write my blogs. Perhaps, I shouldn't have taken 2 xanax's before writing. Maybe, next time I will drink a glass of sherry and see what that invokes from my mixed up head.

As I am typing this, I can hear Frankie, the bulldog, tearing my house apart.