Ya

I am officially 4 weeks late for my period. I have not had a period since October 3rd. I am officially insane.

I want to be healthy, I want to jump up and grab life by the balls, but it is hard when my hormones are out of wack. It feels like I am carrying around a 50 lb ball with me everywhere. I know that doesn't make any sense to the men, but the women should understand. My mind is foggy. froggy. smoggy.

Overall, I am in an okay mood I guess. I'm here. I'm not exactly present...but, I am not exactly NOT present either. I live in the hither nither of liver land.

Maybe, I'll be someone else for the rest of the day.

Eh?!

I am trying to make time pass on the longest day of my entire life! I came in to work early this morning, planning on staying til my usual time, so that I could get an extra hour in today. THIS AINT GONNA HAPPEN TODAY! This day is dragging by. I am thinking about poking my eyes out just for fun.

I have to register for a PBS (psychological bureau something or other)exam before applying for my Rad Tech program at school. The cost is $60 dollars. The next one is Dec 7th! That is a little soon. I'm sceeered. It counts for 25% of my competitive admission to the program. The other 75% is my GPA (no problem!). I would like to go ahead and take it, but if I do badly, it is a waste of $60, and I will have to take it again. Part of me just wants to jump on it now, but part of me wants to wait and study a bit. It doesnt look that hard, but I did look at a sample of the test and the science questions might be a little rough. The rest of it is easy peasy. Maybe, I will go for it. Might as well. 60 bucks, eh!? What the hell.

I asked my daughter about the ex moving into the back bedroom. I really wanted to know how she felt about it. She said she thought we needed the extra money and that it wouldn't bother her. She says we get along better now that we are divorced, so she is definitely okay with it. Besides, she knows that extra money for me, means extra money for her. I know anyone reading this probably thinks that I am crazy for doing this, but I assure you, my heart is not involved in this thing anymore. I've got to take what I can get, when I can get it. Starting next FALL, I might not be able to work this job at all. My clinicals will be starting at school, and I am gonna need all the help I can get. Call me a whore, call me a prostitute, call me stupid, but I am going to finish school.

Warning: Sexually Explicit

Please do not read this entry if you are offended by sexual content.


Okay, I am going completely crazy here. I am sexually frustrated in every way. I had the most twisted dream last night:

I dreamt that I was in an old mansion, and that there were several girls (slaves-in-training), and several Doms just wandering the house looking for a girl to torture. I made myself readily available for any one of the men that were looking. I had a short skirt on, high heels, no panties...everything shaven, everything in just the right place. Nails perfect...but, it seemed none of the "Doms" wanted anything to do with me. I tried for hours it seemed to lure one of them in with my sexual wiles, but none of them gave me a second glance. Finally, I fell asleep on one of the couches in the "main" room, and woke up tied to a device - kind of like a table in the Dr's office, but softer and fluffier. My legs were tied open, so that everyone could see me...and I was being violated in various, evil ways. The entire room was watching me, and my body was aching to cum. I was subjected to various insertions and fucking, and licking, and it all felt so delicious. But...I couldn't cum. No matter what happened, no matter how good it felt, my body would not cooperate, so I was suspended in frustration.

Anyway, not that being suspended in sexual frustration is a bad thing. I just dont want to hang out there forever.

I have been fantasizing for days on end. I think I might explode eventually : )

Waffling

Oh yes. I am sure that I am about to start my period, because I am pissed off at the world right now. Just try me. Go ahead - I fucking dare you. Wanna mess with a girl who is 20 days late for her period? I double dog fucking dare you.

And it is quite impossible for me to be pregnant - just as a side bar. Unless, of course, I am the Virgin Mary.

I discussed further with the ex this weekend about him possibly moving in as a roommate. I feel that he wants to be more, and I don't. The selfish part of me told him that he is more than welcome to rent a room in my house. I did. I actually told him that he could...I want help with the rent damn it! I can't help it! I am poor! I am weak! Give me a fucking break. However, after spending time with him this weekend, and noticing all the little habits that made me want to scream before he moved out the first time, I am thinking, well, I could have jumped the gun a bit.

Hey groceries aren't everything right? Who needs cable or internet. I am thinking...NOT ME! I could stand to lose a few pounds from lack of groceries. My mom would never let me starve! As long as I can have control of MY remote, and my household, I have won!!

Oh let me apologize to all you (two) readers who may think my "waffling" is a bore. Today, I might invite the ex to move back in - tomorrow, I might change my mind...Wednesday, I might just change my fucking mind again, and Thursday? Who knows!? I dont know what I am doing from one second to the next.

Right now? I just don't give a fuck.

Crap

I feel like crap. Something is wrong. I just know it. I haven't felt good in a while. I must need exercise and vitamin C or something.

I think I talked about "cramping" (as in menstrual) in my first blog in November, but...I never started my period. I was supposed to start October 30th. I am so sick of this. I am always - ALWAYS at least two weeks late and usually more.

I had an abnormal mammogram about 6 weeks ago, and I am going to see a surgeon on December 3rd. I doubt that they will find cancer. I think it is just something they do if they see something weird. I have some sort of calcification in my breast which may or may not signify cancer. These calcifications are usually seen in people over 50 though, which is kind of perplexing. But, it is not unheard of for someone aged 36 to have this show up in a mammogram. I will save my anxiety for AFTER the dr's appt. I am just glad that they are so proactive with women and breast cancer these days.

My glands in my neck feel swollen, I feel tired all the time, and there is something wrong that I just can NOT put my finger on...Maybe, I am just spread a little too thin these days with work, school and volunteering at the pregnancy center.

My ex-husband kissed me on the mouth the other day. Just a peck, but one that he meant for me to think about, because he grabbed me and planted it right on my unsuspecting lips. I felt REALLY weird about it. I am not attracted to him in that way at all right now, so it left me feeling confused. All this is on top of him asking to be my room mate, and him telling me that he still loves me and always will. I thought he just wanted to move in and be friends. We can't be married, we can't be lovers, so why is he confusing the issue now? I need to let him know that I am not interested in anything other than friendship. I surely do not need that complication right now. Being his room mate is one thing (I was that for four years), but being more than friends and being room mates is not on my agenda.

Lazy

I just really haven't felt like updating lately. I should. I think it helps me think about things to see them in print, but I have just been lazy.

Arrgh. The only class that I could register for that wouldnt interfere with my volunteer work, is a class on the campus that is 40 minutes away from my house instead of the usual 5. I mean. It is just twice a week, but that is so annoying. I am really thinking about dropping it and taking it next term. That might just be the best thing for me to do right now. Next term, they offer the same class 5 minutes away. I dont want to drive that far...there! I am going to withdraw.

See how I worked that out by seeing it in print? Awesome.

I have a lot more to type about, but I just don't feel inspired. I have tons of work to do here, and I just can't rant and rave about ME all day! What kind of person would I be if I did?!

Unmotivated

I do not want to be at work today. I am just not motivated to be here. I think I am cramping...which we all know what that signifies. I am sure that is the source of my unmotivation. I was supposed to start on Oct 30, but of course since I am always a week or two late, I am not going to start until today. Hmmm. I guess it could be worse. I am shaky, clumsy, and pretty much a total wreck. Geez.

My ex husband asked again if he could be my room mate. And with my daughter on the brink of moving out, I have to say, the selfish money grubbing part of me wants to let him move in to her empty room and pay half the rent. I am still considering this option. I will have to lay down some ground rules though. I will not be nagged in my own home, and I will be in charge of the remote. This is not a democracy.

He also said that he is still in love with me. He will just have to keep that to himself. I am not even thinking about romance right now. I have too much going on.

I am tired today. I have a test in psychology and I don't even care. Blah fucking blah blah blah.

I am still considering turning my cable off in addition to the phone/dsl that I had turned off. I just need the money and I need to not watch so much tv.

I feel depressed. This is kinda funny, because I think I accidentally took my antidepressant twice this morning. Weird.

Ack. What can I say. I feel like a dumbass, dork, dimwitted nobody.

There, how's that for an entry.

4 Minutes

I wanted to at least write a short blog to show that I am still alive and kickin. I turned off my DSL at home, so I only get to write in my blog from work, which hasn't worked out very well as of late.

I have a lot to write about, but just not enough time.

Last night I went out with some friends to a concert. It was okay. I am not a big fan of The Cult, but whatever. I had to take care of some very, very drunk friends, and of course, there isn't anything different about that than any other time I go out with friends. I was the designated driver, and upon dropping the owner of the car off at home, I scraped down the side of his Infinity on a pole of a stand alone garage thingy in his yard. He was drunk and was pissed, and I was still driving his car to take everyone else home, so I pulled away and just hoped he would cool off.
I think things are okay. The damage wasn't too bad, and in my opinion, I think they all those drunk fuckers should be glad that I went along to rescue them. I do feel bad about it - really bad. But, I am a guilt ridden person anyway.

Going out is just not for me. The consequences outweigh the rewards for me. I am too old.