Peace on Earth

My dogs are barking. The house is very clean. I smell bleach. It is dark, cloudy and drizzly outside, but not cold. I can hear the dryer turning in the kitchen, and I am thinking about washing my clothes for the week. I am alone. I am finally alone.

My alone time is very precious to me, and I haven't had enough of it lately. My daughter has moved out, but sleeps on my couch most of the time still. My nephew drops by unannounced at least 3 times a night, and my ex is alway here. They have all finally left for the evening, and for once, I can have some peace.

Tomorrow, I am going to spend some time with my beautiful mother. I have not seen her in a couple of weeks, and I need my "mommy" time. She keeps me sane.

I went running today in the drizzle. It was nice. I love to run in the rain. My running partner and I are only running 3 times a week. I think I will start going without her a couple of days a week. I am really getting the bug, so I must run more often. I think she was kind of mad that I decided to go and visit my mom tomorrow instead of going to church with her. I don't care. She went to see Ron White tonight and invited someone else to go...so THERE.

I feel a headache creeping up the back of my neck. Soon it will devour the right side of my head. I am starting to feel a deep need to become Jackie Chan, or Jim Carey, so I know that PMS is on the horizon. I don't just want to imitate Jackie Chan or Jim Carey, I want to become them. It is usually one or the other. Right now, I am feeling sort of Jackie Chan-ish, but it could flip very quickly. I'm never both at the same time.

So, enough of my crazy talk. I should take advantage of my alone time and masturbate.

Waiting

I am waiting patiently to hear from school about my admission to the program. Waiting, waiting, waiting. We are always waiting. I am kind of a "right now!" person. I hate to wait. Oh, I was sooo impatient when I was younger. I am still impatient, I just have to stuff it down, and sometimes I just want to scream! However, on the outside, no one would ever know.

My daughter just started taking birth control again. She has a new boyfriend. (Hey. She is almost 20, so what can I say?). I am very glad that she is taking control of her body. I am relieved, especially since the ex is going to be a grandpa. I'm not ready. I would deal with it - just like my parents did, but I am not ready. She also received the maximum amount of financial aid for next school year as well. Woo hoo!
I just have to keep praying that she makes the right decisions. There is still time for things to go very wrong, because my daughter is, afterall, human.

I have slept with my CPAP machine for the past two nights in a row - ALL NIGHT! Now, that is an accomplishment to be proud of. I feel good.

My friend and I are still running. Twice this week so far, and we are going again tomorrow. I can already tell that I am losing weight around my belly. I just want to look good...for myself. I am tired of avoiding places and friends because I feel fat, or because I am afraid they will ask me if I am pregnant. Women have to worry about those things, ya know. It hasn't happened yet, but I expect it too if I dont keep exercising.

Oh. Oh...and my libido is coming back full force. I am keeping my vibrator in my bed at all times now, just in case of emergency.

Not Much

I have had the urge to cut my hair lately, but I am going to keep on keepin on. I must remain steadfast in my commitment. Especially, since I am jogging again and I am starting to notice some weight loss. I can't remember having long hair, and being skinny at the same time. Every time I start getting into shape, I get the urge to cut my hair again.

I have another mammogram on Thursday. No big deal. Just a re-check. I am not too worried about it. I am more anxious about going back to my primary care doctor and getting my thyroid tested again. I am still torn between hoping that I am finally going to find a cure to my fatigue and sluggishness, and finding out that I have to take yet another pill every day to keep my fat ass healthy. I am hoping that the jogging is going to have a significant effect on my triglyceride levels. One thing that pisses me off, is that I do not eat alot. I don't sit around snacking. It is rare for me to buy junk food, and I drink water all day long. Some of my friends have made comments about my not eating as much as they expected for me to have gained so much weight over the past few years. I'm not really sure what the deal is. I watch television and it always says, cut out sodas and junk food...blah blah blah...drink more water. Every time I hear that most overweight people have a "stash" of junk food, or drink most of their calories, I get so pissed. I don't do those things. Arrrgh! The only way for me to truly lose weight (and I know I have said this before), is to run 4 miles a day - every day. I guess that is why I am picking up jogging again. I know that it will help some, but it wont entirely take care of my weight. Last time I was running 4 miles a day, sometimes more, I lost weight, but I was not even close to being my ideal weight. I would have had to cut my food intake in half, and then I wouldn't have the energy to run. Whatever.

Other than that, I am feeling really good about myself. I feel I am moving toward the person that I want to be. I am in a good place mentally.

I know my blog has been pretty boring as of late. The only thing on my mind anymore is getting ahead in school, getting healthy, and trying to get proper sleep. Basic things. 2 more years of school seems like an awful long time right now. I am really trying to get that out of my head.

My ex's son got his girlfriend pregnant, so it looks like he is going to be a grandpa. I am secretly excited about the prospect. I love his son, and therefore, I will be loving on a grand baby. Since, I decided not to have anymore children after my daughter was born, I think this will fill a special place in my heart until my own daughter has her children YEARS from now.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish that my ex had never moved back in. I mean, I do like having the extra money. I REALLY like having the extra money. But, now that my daughter has moved out, I kinda would like to know what it is like to live all alone, and to answer to only myself. Now, the ex and I still have a strictly platonic relationship, but still, after living together as man and wife, the dynamics of our relationship are a little bit different than ordinary room mates. It is hard to explain. I guess it is just companionship multiplied to the 2nd or something. I am starting to really find out who I am, and I would like to see myself without him in the picture. Unfortunately, it is not going to happen right now. Unless, he meets someone, or I meet someone, we are just going to continue living together, because I need the cash and he needs the cheap rent. It isn't that bad. I just know that someday, I am going to have to try it on my own.

My friend and I are still jogging. We went 3 times last week, and plan to do the same this week. I already feel better. I am looking forward to going again tonight. I hope she keeps it up. I love to run, and I love having a running partner.

I wonder if my libido will come back after I lose a few pounds. I finally got around to pleasuring myself again last night. It was nice. I need to do that again. One day, though, I hope to have the real thing, but for now, this will have to suffice.

So Glad

I am so glad that I can update from work now. I'm dreading the time when I get cut off again. But, for now, I shall enjoy!

I had a journal on this website, and the site went down, so my journal was deleted. I have had that journal since 2004, or so. I was very sad to see it go. I never thought about losing all of that. Oh well, I guess it was time to start a new chapter anyway. The journal was mostly about hair, but I also added a lot about things going on in my life too. Sad to see it go for sure. I am still going to maintain a journal there, but I am keeping it strictly about hair (you know, since I am growing my hair to the floor and all).

My ex husband is starting to claim that he doesnt have enough money to pay me. He always comes through with his half of the rent, but when I ask him for money to pay the utilities, he never has it. I think he has paid for groceries once out of the 50 times that I have. I guess I'll have to give him a good old fashioned "pep talk" of the pay-up-or-get-the-hell-out kind. I really don't want to be taken advantage of. At least this time, I am not getting screwed literally...and I am not emotionally invested at all. Even with him not paying utitilities, I am still better off having him pay half the rent, so there you go.

No B for Me

I got an A in the class that I was so worried about. I am very happy about that. I had resigned to the fact that I was going to get a B, but dang I am glad it was an A. Thing is, my grade was pretty close to an A, and my teacher gave me an A for effort. That is fine. I can live with that.

I got a phone call from the admissions office the other day. The admissions counselor that is going over my application to the Rad Tech program said that I did not have the right CPR card. She said that I am supposed to have BLS for Healthcare Providers, and mine was just Heartsavers. What??? I couldn't even speak. I think I mumbled something like, " Are you sure? Pfft. Hhhh. Hmmm. Wha?". I finally said, "Okay", and hung up the phone. I couldn't speak for 5 minutes. This is going to keep me from getting into the program. I will have to wait another year to apply!
Fortunately, it was a mistake. I had received the wrong card from the American Heart Association. I did take the BLS for Health Care Providers! I thought I had. I knew I had. So, my instructor called the school to ensure that the mistake would not be counted against me. Shew!

I started running again last night. My good friend/neighbor and I decided to start jogging before taking kickboxing at the local gym. We both decided that we don't want to look like a couple of idiots gagging and coughing and wheezing in front of our peers. It went well, and we are going again tonight. She wants to work up to 2 miles, which will be easy peasy. I am hoping once she gets up to 2 miles, she will want to do 4. We will see.

I keep having dreams about a high school buddy of mine. I am not sure what that means. He lives in California and is happily married. He has a Doctorate in Bioengineering, and is very respected in his field. We were best friends in high school, and hung out a lot while he was a student at Georgia Tech. But, he moved away and we have pretty much fallen out of touch. I wonder if I should contact him. Something might be going on if he keeps following me around in my dreams.

Life

Grades are going to be posted today. I think I may have gotten my first 'B'. I am not happy about it. I guess there are worse things going on in the world. But, you know what? This is MY world damn-it, and I am not happy with a 'B'. That B is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm gonna get over it. I am going to talk myself in to being fine with a B. I might even forget about it on most days.

A friend of mine sent an email to all of her friends, including me, ranting about her ex-husband and how pitiful his relationship is with his daughter. Now, he does try. He deligently pays child support, and he tries to get his daughter to visit with him and his new family a couple of states away; however, he hasnt ever really built a bond with his daughter. I don't think he knows how, and I kind of feel sorry for him really. Anyway, my friend sent an email to all of us complaining about how her ex hasn't called his daughter in a couple of months, and how he should try harder to bond with her (which I agree), and how basically he is just a loser. I guess she must have forgotten that I raised my daughter without child support, and my daughter's father has been in prison for most of the time that she has been alive.
I wasn't offended by her email at all. We all have issues that we need to vent about to our friends. I am just giving a little background so that you might understand my response to her email:

"Well, I just think all men are A-holes anyway, with very few exceptions. All can be described in one word – S.E.L.F.I.S.H.

They can’t help it. God made them that way, unfortunately. We should feel sorry for them…maybe, bake them a cake with nothing on but an apron and high heels.

How about we cut the grass for them riding topless on the riding lawnmower? Better yet, we can listen to them wine about how pathetic their lives are. Let’s just give them all a break, and let the court system know that we don’t want child support anymore, that it is too much of a burden on the men, and anyway, how are they supposed to have fun with the guys and whores when they are spending all their hard earned money on their children?"

By the way Van, you are definitely one of the exceptions, along with my own father.

I got a collective "AMEN" from all of my friends on my response - which now that I think about it, is pretty sad.

I am definitely looking forward to this weekend. No homework. I am going to do some spring cleaning, and maybe take a nice relaxing bath.

Where Did I Leave Off?

I can not remember where I left off before. I suppose I could read back to January and find out, but I am too darn lazy. I finally got away from prying eyes at work for just enough time to type out a blog entry.

So, the results of my sleep lab: I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a fabulous CPAP machine every night. I have only slept all the way thru the night once. Twice until 4am, and other times til around 1am. Really, I am kind of grateful that my insurance not only paid for my $4000.00 sleep study, but they also paid for my CPAP machine. Absolutely no out-of-pocket for me on that one. That being said, I am going to try my best to wear it as I should. I REALLY felt a difference this morning after using it. I woke up feeling like superwoman. I still have a lot of lost sleep to catch up on. They say it takes a while to make up the sleep deficit that I have accumulated over the years. Apparently, I wasn't going into stage 4 sleep, nor REM. Wow.

Also, my doctor called and indeed my thyroid function is STILL low, and said that I would probably have to be put on meds, but that he is going to wait two more months and then retest me. I am glad he is testing me one more time, although, it is a pain in the ass to wait for medication that might make me feel better. I think once you start taking thyroid medicine you are on it for life, so I want him to be sure that I definitely need it first.

Enough of that health stuff.

My daughter moved out a couple of weeks ago. She is VERY homesick, but I think she will get used to it. She only ended up moving a couple of blocks from me, but the house does seem empty. She sent me a text at 2am the other day telling me she was sooo homesick - and then at 6am she was standing over my bed looking at me. She had been bike riding the day before and rode too many miles. Her aching muscles woke her up, so where was she to go??? MOM's. Yep. That's me. Curer of all ailments. Thank you. Thank you. Next time. I hope it is more like 10am than 6am.

Whoa!

Wait! For some reason, I can now log onto my blog from work! WTF???
HMMMM. Now, I am worried. Did they specifically target this blog, because I had visited it so much in the past, or was it just an error. They do that here sometimes. They have blocked all websites on accident.

Okay, well. I have a lot to write about - just no time. Damn. I feel like I have been put on the spot with nothing to say. I will come up with something. Just give me a minute.

Quiet

Well, it was quiet. I thought my bosses were gone, but now I hear them talking. Damn! I thought I was home free to write my blog. Now it will have to be short and sweet.

I have my sleep study appt. It is scheduled for next Tues, Feb. 5th. I am sure excited to get it over. Plus, I hear they put you in a big cozy bed and give you a nice sleepy pill. Sounds like a great night to me. What if I have to pee? Will they have to unhook me from all the monitors? I get up several times a night normally. Hmmm.

Well, I have to go, I can hear the sounds of my bosses getting closer.

Not Bitter

I am doing horrible in my Intro to Computer class. I'm drifting to the hilarious side of not really funny in that class. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong! My online teacher is sooo hard! It is soooo damn funny! I think the problem lies in the fact that I expected it to be an easy class, so I have been slacking, and it really shows. I have to kick in my game, or drop that class.

I am meeting my daughter in the big ATL tomorrow after work. We are going to go looking at apartments. She couldn't get into the dorms. The waiting list is over a year long. So, we are looking at Virginia Highlands, or Inman Park - ish. We really aren't going to have a lot of daylight to look tomorrow, but she is impatient(just like me), and she is flying to Orlando this weekend. Her friend Cory bought two plane tickets for my daughter and step-daughter to visit him in FL. Good friend, eh? I think he has a crush on my daughter(why else would a boy buy a plane ticket for a girl?). He could have a crush on my step-daughter, but I think they know each other too well or something like that.

Really, I am not bitter. I have lost all of my bitterness regarding males. The older I get, the less bitter I am. I really don't feel much of anything where males are concerned. I swear. I am not mad. I remember in my 20's, man, I made a fool of myself. I really went all out to be bitter and cool and unfeeling...I ended up closing myself off, and opting for bad opportunities instead of good. I mean, I can spot a player from a mile away. And if I want a player, I shall persue one. If I don't, I wont. I can also spot a good man. I can spot a rich man. Thing is, I DON'T CARE! Ha! I need to focus more on me, and I just can not give any little part of me away right now. I do get sad, I do get lonely - but, for the most part, I am enjoying keeping all of me. Once I can do that with a man. I will have something to offer. But, I am not bitter...and that is nice.

Ophelia

I am feeling a little lyrical today. So, this post is going to be short and sweet.
Although, I do have an awful lot to say about the human race in general, I am just going to post some lyrics and be done for the day...

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it...


My Skin - Natalie Merchant

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

Oh NO!

I know what this feeling is. I just figured it out while listening to a Tool song.
Er. I am just about to go thru a self-destructive phase. Hmmm. The antsy feeling. The not knowing quite what I need, but knowing that I need something. I feel the need to do something - even if it is wrong. Uh oh.

I feel it coming. Maybe it will pass. Do I want it to?

Froggy

I am pretty darn sad about Heath Ledger being dead. My daughter and I had a mutual admiration for Mr. Ledger. We were our own little mother-daughter fan club. When she was younger, we used to watch 10 Things I Hate About You, and A Knight's Tale over and over and over. When she called to let me know, she sounded teary and she just shouted , "Mom! Heath Ledger is dead!". I thought she was kidding and I told her to shut up...HA. So, I turned on the news and yep. There it was. He is dead.
I guess it could seem silly to mourn the loss of someone that we don't even know, but we felt like we knew him, and we certainly wanted to see more of his cute little face. Anyway, my daughter and I still have Johnny Depp. Lets pray he sticks around a long time.

My ex is trying to be a little manipulative about the finances, but fortunately, I have years of experience with his little manuevers. He keeps trying to confuse me by saying, "I will pay half of the rent now, and the other half on the next check", and then he will say, "Well, I can buy these heaters and you can give me $30, and I will take it off of the money I owe you", or "I'll pay for dinner and we can take it off my bill"...Um, NOPE. I kind of got myself intertwined in that this past month, but it aint happenin! I just sent him an email explaining how we are going to be handling everything. EVERYTHING is to be seperate! EVERYTHING! No paying for this and taking off that. NO! NO! NO! He is using the ol' switcheroo, I gave you a hundred dollar bill not a twenty. I'm not stupid.

I am so glad that we are not married still. I am really, seriously over that man. I have NO feelings for him whatsoever. I haven't had sex for almost a year now, and that doesn't even make me want to be with him. I did buy myself a nice little vibrator that I have used a few times over the past week or so. I LIKE it.

I feel myself coming alive again. I want to feel. I don't know how much I want to feel, but that is a start. At least, I am alive and there is hope.

I can become quite solitare. If I choose to not feel, I can accomplish that without great effort. I can become stone. I can be a shell of a person, with nothing inside. If I choose. It doesnt hurt. It is quite comfortable there. Trouble is, I can stay there forever.

Whoa! Okay, back to reality. The reality is, I am ready for some excitement. There is just one catch to that - I don't feel good. I am going to wait until I get all the test results back from the doctor. Then, I am going to try and get back into some sort of normal shape health wise. I need to lose some weight for sure. AND THEN, maybe I can think about dating again. Not sure what I will tell the ex, but it really isn't any of his business.

So, that being said. LP, your strong personality might crush me like a pancake, but then again, it might just be perfect.

Cholesterol

Oh man, I am a space cadet today. I can't even function.

I am taking a new cholesterol medicine. My triglycerides are still really high. The nurse that called me also said, "Your liver is increased and your thyroid has decreased." Huh? I said, "Now say that again.", and she repeated the same thing again. I didn't ask a lot of questions. I should have. But, I am seeing the Dr again for a retest in a few weeks, so I guess they will know more then. I can wait. I just agreed to pick up the new cholesterol medicine and schedule an appt to come back in a month. Weird.

Maybe, I am not crazy. Maybe, I don't feel good for a reason. That would be a hoot. What? You mean, I am not fat and lazy afterall? Wow.

My daughter's Hope scholarship finally cleared, so she should be getting a fat check from financial aid soon. I see her apartment on the horizon.

Snow

We had snow yesterday. Huge, fluffy, beautiful white flakes. Very nice. That is one thing about living in the south. I was thanking God for his glorious gift of snow yesterday, because it was such a beautiful sight. I guess if you get snow every day, its not so pretty anymore. Just my guess, but I am thinking people up north don't thank God for the pretty snowflakes.

I have an exam tomorrow. It is an entrance exam for the radiology program. Somehow I managed to get the very last slot for the test. I had no idea that this was the very last test before the cutoff deadline. I just happen to have 60 bucks in my pocket and decided to go ahead and pay for the test. I thought I was getting in waaaaaaay early, but apparently, I got the very last slot. I felt like I had won the lottery, and I also felt a little divine intervention action had happened. (I'm just sayin')
I am normally the person that walks up after all the slots have been filled.

By the way LP...I fell in love with you that weekend. End of story.

Today I am volunteering at the pregnancy center, and I am just not into it today. I just feel so different than the other ladies. Of course, we are all there for the same reason, so I should get over myself.

My doctor wants me to do a sleep study to check for sleep apnea, and then he is going to refer me to an ENT, but he said it would be easier to go ahead and do the sleep study first to rule out apnea.

I better get back to work.

APT

I feel myself getting closer and closer to a big, fat, greasy heart attack any day now. Ack. I can just feel my thick, fatty, blood oozing slowly through my veins. My poor heart...

I am at work on Saturday yet again. I like to work on Saturday. I feel like I am accomplishing something worthwhile. I guess it is the extra 4 hours on my paycheck. If I were at home, I would be lying around watching tv thinking that I should have just gotten up and gone in to work. "I could have put in 3 hours by now" - that is the tape that usually winds through my head every Saturday morning that I choose to stay home.

I am busy looking for my daughter an apt. It is such a hard task. She needs to be within walking distance of the University, but it is located in a kind of rough area. I just can't decide if it is worth it to put her in a dorm, or get her an apt so she can roomie with her step-sister. I just don't know if her step-sister is ready to move out. Maybe, the dorm would be the better choice. They just seem so much more expensive. However, if they take it directly from her financial aid, then maybe she wont have the chance to blow the money on tattoos before she pays rent.

Anywho, just needed to vent for a minute.

Ready?!

Well, everyone is leaving work right now. I am pretty happy about that. Now, I get to update my blog without looking over my shoulder.

For some reason, I am craving a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Yum.

I am meeting a friend after work for dinner. We are having Mexican, and I am sure looking forward to it. I guess I should give the ex a call just to give him a heads up that I wont be home for din-din.

Really. I am going to do it. I am going to give myself a make-over. I really need it. I really need to get back into shape. I have no idea why it is so hard to get motivated this time. I wish I had something to blame it on. I am feeling so much better now that my PMS is gone. I feel like I could conquer the world. It helps that I went skating the other night, and then walked about two miles at the University with my daughter the next day.

I have got to get myself together. I have my eye on a couple of prizes, and I need to get myself ready for the challenge. Hmmm. Yes, I am ready! I want to be sexy. I want to be wanted. I feel ready.

Moon Cup

I am using a moon cup. If you dont know what it is...look it up. It is fantastic.

I am getting curious about dating again. At what point should I tell my date that I live with my ex-husband?

Sunday night I finally went skating. I have the bruises to show for it. It was so much fun. I went to a roller rink, but I really want to race down the local paved trail, but I am terrified of being murdered. I need to get some pepper spray, a taser gun, and possibly a 9mm to carry with me if I go alone.

By the way, I love to watch cop shows where the bad guy gets tasered. I can't help it. It makes me laugh til I cry.

Grouch

I feel crappy and depressed today. I need to do something fun and exciting, but I just dont feel like it. Maybe, I should take an extra antideppressant pill. I don't think that my doctor would approve...

I guess I have PMS. My daughter is kinda getting on my nerves lately. I feel like she has done nothing to prepare for school next week. She stays up all night and every morning she is asleep on my couch. It is annoying. I love her, but she needs to pull it together. I am constantly online checking that she has everything turned in to the university to take care of financial aid, and registration and transfer credit, while she sits back and does nothing. Arrrgh! And I just realized that she has no idea about parking and we haven't made any arrangements. I found out where she can park for free, but she is going to have to ask me about it. I want her to take a little bit of initiative, man.

I am a grouch, I am tired, I am bored.

I haven't done anything at work today. I keep playing on the internet and I will probably get caught very soon.

I swear I almost vomited when I looked in the mirror yesterday. How nice. I am aging so gracefully...ack! I really did dry heave after looking at my lovely shape in the mirror. Why don't people get physically ill when they come in contact with me? Wouldn't that be funny? If no one could look at me without dry heaving, or projectile vomiting.

I have broken every single new year's resolution that I made to myself, of course. It took me about 3 seconds into the new year.

Ew. I am a mess right now. Hormones anyone?