New Year's Eve

I am here at work again. I was an hour late this morning. Not that anyone cares. My boss isn't even here. I am so tired.

My daughter and I went to the memorial service for her friend yesterday. It was sad and draining. They had a slide show of photos and it was an "open" forum. We were all enouraged to stand and say something about Michael. I was doing well enough just to sit in my chair and keep my sanity. Several people got up and said their peace. My daughter and I sat and held her ex-boyfriend's hand (who was very close friends with the boy). We met Michael through my daughter's ex-boyfriend. And I can say, if I had not had him to hang on to when I entered the memorial service, I might not have made it to my chair. When I looked up and realized that they had that beautiful boy's pictures on a slide show at the front of the room, I let out a gasp and grabbed Seth's arm. My daughter's ex, being the man he is, understood and stood firm for me while leading me to my chair. After which, he broke down and reached out for mine and my daughter's hands. I thought that I would feel better after the service. Like, closure...But, that didn't happen. I think it is because of his age, and the tragic manner in which he died. Beautiful, beautiful Michael will remain in our hearts forever.

My daughter collapsed with exhaustion and slept for hours after we got home. I can't even begin to imagine how Michael's family feels. I don't want to imagine. I just pray that they make it through.

I don't want to be here today. I want to be at home.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to turn over a new leaf. Try to be healthier. But, I think I may add making life more exciting. Trying some new things. Maybe, even trying something dangerous like sky diving or base jumping (kidding), but really, life is short and I should take advantage. I use to fear dying, but now I just think that I fear "not living".

Christmas

Christmas was a grand affair. My daughter and step-daughter loved their gifts for their apartment. Now, we just need to find an apartment to stick them in.

Yesterday, one of my daughter's male friends committed suicide. He shot himself in the head. I am not sure exactly when he shot himself, I just know that he died last night. I loved this boy. He was one of my favorites. We had the same favorite band in common, and he would get so excited talking to me about music. He talked a lot, and he was really "out there". He was a genius. He was so smart that it drove him crazy. I have only met a handful of people out there like him, and now we are one less. We haven't talked to him in about a year or so, just because that is how things happen when you are 19 or 20...but, I can't help but think about how things might be different if we had only kept in touch with him. Could anyone have done anything to change it? One little tiny effort on someone elses part could have made a difference. I am good with teenagers, if only I had told him that if he were ever feeling down he could call me at any time. I feel sad, and I am also angry at him. I always wondered how people could be angry at someone that committed suicide, but now I know. I would like to stop time - grab the gun from his hand, and beat his ass.

The funeral is Saturday. I'll have to prepare myself.

My daughter is also crushed. I actually walked in on them making out once. However, she didnt want to be more than friends, and kinda broke his heart. I know that she feels tremendous guilt. I will have to remember to focus on her heart and not my own.

Christmas Eve

So, I have this friend. Well, I'll call him a friend. Anyway, blogs are all about confessions, right? Since this person no longer reads my journal, I feel pretty safe about posting this blog entry.

Earlier this year, say around February (I think?), my husband and I took at trip up north to pick up a friend.

You know what? What I have to say about this person is going to take much longer than I have right now. I will have to finish this entry later.

It is Christmas Eve, and I am at work. I am planning to leave around 2. Jolly good times.

I really have nothing to say. Wow.

Lovely Saturday

I came into work this morning, and it is berry, berry quiet. I can write a blog entry in peace. Yowza.

I had planned to wake up at 5am and do some Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart, but that didn't quite work out as planned. I crawled out of bed around 6:40am, stumbled around, got back in the bed and snuggled wth my bulldog Frankie til around 7:30am. I finally managed to make it to Wal-Mart around 8:30am. It was crowded, but not nearly as crowded as I had thought it would be. It was actually a rather pleasant crowd. I got all my stuff and was out by 9:11. I couldn't believe it!

I managed to get my daughter some stuff for her apartment (when she moves out). I got a microwave, blender, bagel toaster, and coffee pot, all for around $110.00. I do believe that is the CHEAPEST that I have ever gotten off for Christmas. I am still in awe of myself. And the thing is, it LOOKS like a lot of stuff! She will think I spent BILLIONS! I am so happy. I am going to make her a little stocking and stuff some cash and candy in there, and I am D-O-N-E. Shew!

My ex-husband keeps complaining that he doesnt have any money to spend on his children for Christmas. I have to keep biting my tongue to keep from offering to help him out. Actually, the gifts that I bought for my daughter are going to be for his daughter as well, since his daughter and my daughter will be sharing the apartment. I just have to keep reminding myself that he spent his money on bullshit that he didn't need, and I sacrificed so that I could buy my daughter's Christmas. I am; however, going to make his daughter a matching stocking to the one I am giving my daughter. I love his daughter very, very much...but, the gift will be from me, not him.

I feel really good today. The only thing I have left to do today is get myself a pedicure. I keep trying to talk myself out of it, because it seems like such a waste of money to spend it on myself. But, damn-it! I deserve it.

Wide Load

I just got my paycheck, and it sucked! But the good new is, after looking at what I made this year, I won't be losing my financial aid for school any time soon! Woo hoo!

I need to force myself to work a few more hours than I have been. I have been really taking advantage of my flexible schedule, and this is not a good thing. I think I am going to come in for a few hours on Saturday to punish myself. Oh yes, I like to be punished...even if I have to do it myself.

So, I have a new haircut, and my daughter colored my hair. It has actually been a couple of weeks since I had it done. I love it. I have been styling my hair every single day, which is waaaay out of character for me. My hair just looks so nice after being blown dry . It looks thicker and healthier. I am really going to start taking better care of myself in the new year. Yes. I am. Really. I am going to take care of me. No kidding. Really. Yes.

Next thing on my agenda this week is getting a pedicure, and I am STILL planning on skating down the Silver Comet Trail. Please! Encourage me. I need all the encouragement I can get when it comes to exercise these days. I can hardly make myself get up off the couch. That isn't me. I don't know who has taken over my body, but I want it back!

Counseling was a bit hard yesterday. I don't want to talk a lot about it, but I do want to say that I need to find a way to seperate from the girls that I counsel after they walk out the door. I find myself obsessing over their situations, and I just can't do that to myself. It isn't productive. Last night I finally had to pray out loud about one of the girls. I had to let the words pass thru my lips and out into the air. Otherwise, I felt that my prayer might not be heard. I don't know how to explain it, but it did help. I need to find a constructive way to deal with the load I have chosen to carry.

Life Good

I am trying to sneak an entry while at work. Geez, I need to get internet at home. The only thing about that is that my ex-husband will probably be spying on anything that I put on the computer and I don't necessarily want him reading my journal. Although, there was a time that I wanted him to read my journal, and he wasn't interested. Imagine that. Your wife writes a journal about all of her thoughts and fantasies, and you are not interested in reading it. Hmmm. I guess I don't know a lot about what goes on in a man's head. I think maybe he was intimidated by my fantasies. I think he thought he wouldn't be able to live up to my imagination. And you know what? He was right.

Things are still going fine with our living situation. He has stopped trying to give me a peck on the lips every time he leaves, and he has not made any type of sexual move or insinuations, etc. I am sooo glad, because to tell you the truth, the thought of any sexual contact with him makes me want to vomit. I am enjoying the nice platonic relationship that we have formed, and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize that we will never be anything more than friends. At least on my end. I do hope that he doesn't have any fantasies of living happily ever after, because that just isn't going to happen. Not in the sense of romantically ever after. If he is holding on to any type of false hope, it isn't my fault. I have made it pretty clear where I stand.

I am going to take my roller skates out to the Silver Comet Trail this weekend. I've got to get a helmet and some safety gear. I aint as young as I used to be, and since I have been lucky enough to have suffered a brain hemmorhage a few years back, I will definitely be covering my noggin with a helmet.

Hi

Ohhh. I have been meaning to update. It just sucks not having internet at home. The ex and I are going to split the cost to get Comcast wireless, so we can have internet in EVERY room. I am tired of not being able to blog, or check my private email. I can't check anything from work - all private emails are blocked from access. I can't even check my school email. I am surprised that I can even get to blogspot...BUT I CAN!! Haha!

Things are going really well. I got my first check from my financial aid. That was awesome and well needed. I am still waiting on my IRS tax refund (2006) check to be deposited in my account. I sent it off a couple of weeks ago, so it should be any minute now. Woo hoo!

I counseled at the pregnancy center yesterday, and it was my first day counseling the women on my own. Geez! It is so much better being in there alone with the girls. They are so much more responsive one on one, and my brain sure functions alot better without someone watching my every move. I had a good day. I had two clients. Both of them were young girls. I could hear one of the girls crying in the room before I even opened the door. Needless to say, she was smiling and hugging me when she left. What a sweetheart.

Things seem to be working out just fine with my ex being my room mate. For real. It isn't that bad at all. It is like having a companion without all the bullshit and compromise that goes on in a marriage. I say "compromise" because I was the only one who did any. I compromised my health, and sanity on a daily basis...hehe (get it!?).
I don't have anything to lose. It is awesome actually. I come and go when I please, he does the same - and still no hanky panky.

Already?!

I can NOT believe that it is December 7th already.

Did I mention that my ex-husband did move back in? He moved into the back bedroom last week. It is kinda weird...kinda not. He tells me he loves me occasionally. I never respond. He gives me a peck on the lips in the morning when he leaves for work. That is a little odd. But, other than that, we are friends. No sex, no hanky panky, no making out. So far things are fine.

I must admit that listening to him bitch and complain about work(and everything else that went "wrong" for him during the day)is quite boring, and mind numbing. I hate his constant rambling about dumb ass shit and all the important things he plans to do with his life. I am so over it. He is full of shit and I have accepted that. I do not want to be anything other than friends with him, and I have accepted that as well.

It is funny how things have turned out. I do not have ANY hopes, or expectations of reconciling with the ex. I hope he has sense enough to do the same. I am so relieved to have a room mate to share the bills with. I wish I didnt have to listen to his mouth, but whatever. It beats finding a stranger to move in with. It also beats living with another female.

My daughter got her financial aid award as well. I hope she hasn't blown her Hope scholarship this term. There is a chance that she did, which means she may have to accept a loan that she was offered until she is eligible for Hope again. That pisses me off, because she is a smart girl, she just doesnt realize how not having that scholarship is going to mess with her financially. Whatever.

Sooo, guess better get back to work.

Funny Thing

Well, I found out today that I will be getting financial aid for school. I have never been eligible for any type of financial aid. Well, Georgia has the Hope grant and/or scholoarship, and so far the Hope grant has been doing good things for me...but, this is different. I am actually getting financial aid!! Like a grant. When I was younger, my dad made too much money for me to qualify, and he couldn't afford to pay for my schooling. When I got older, I was making too much money to qualify...even being a single parent. Now, I finally qualify after taking a job with reduced hours and pay (while I was married), and then divorcing my husband. WOW! I can't believe it! It isn't a lot, but it is enough for me not to have to worry about working reduced hours AND eating. My daughter should qualify for a similar award. I am so relieved. I hope this will help her move out on her own like she wants.

Anyway, I just want to thank God for everything He does for me.

Oh, and I finally started my period last Friday - just before I went out with the girls for a lovely evening on the town. That is a story for another day, though.

God is good. Life is alright. Things are going to get better.

Ya

I am officially 4 weeks late for my period. I have not had a period since October 3rd. I am officially insane.

I want to be healthy, I want to jump up and grab life by the balls, but it is hard when my hormones are out of wack. It feels like I am carrying around a 50 lb ball with me everywhere. I know that doesn't make any sense to the men, but the women should understand. My mind is foggy. froggy. smoggy.

Overall, I am in an okay mood I guess. I'm here. I'm not exactly present...but, I am not exactly NOT present either. I live in the hither nither of liver land.

Maybe, I'll be someone else for the rest of the day.

Eh?!

I am trying to make time pass on the longest day of my entire life! I came in to work early this morning, planning on staying til my usual time, so that I could get an extra hour in today. THIS AINT GONNA HAPPEN TODAY! This day is dragging by. I am thinking about poking my eyes out just for fun.

I have to register for a PBS (psychological bureau something or other)exam before applying for my Rad Tech program at school. The cost is $60 dollars. The next one is Dec 7th! That is a little soon. I'm sceeered. It counts for 25% of my competitive admission to the program. The other 75% is my GPA (no problem!). I would like to go ahead and take it, but if I do badly, it is a waste of $60, and I will have to take it again. Part of me just wants to jump on it now, but part of me wants to wait and study a bit. It doesnt look that hard, but I did look at a sample of the test and the science questions might be a little rough. The rest of it is easy peasy. Maybe, I will go for it. Might as well. 60 bucks, eh!? What the hell.

I asked my daughter about the ex moving into the back bedroom. I really wanted to know how she felt about it. She said she thought we needed the extra money and that it wouldn't bother her. She says we get along better now that we are divorced, so she is definitely okay with it. Besides, she knows that extra money for me, means extra money for her. I know anyone reading this probably thinks that I am crazy for doing this, but I assure you, my heart is not involved in this thing anymore. I've got to take what I can get, when I can get it. Starting next FALL, I might not be able to work this job at all. My clinicals will be starting at school, and I am gonna need all the help I can get. Call me a whore, call me a prostitute, call me stupid, but I am going to finish school.

Warning: Sexually Explicit

Please do not read this entry if you are offended by sexual content.


Okay, I am going completely crazy here. I am sexually frustrated in every way. I had the most twisted dream last night:

I dreamt that I was in an old mansion, and that there were several girls (slaves-in-training), and several Doms just wandering the house looking for a girl to torture. I made myself readily available for any one of the men that were looking. I had a short skirt on, high heels, no panties...everything shaven, everything in just the right place. Nails perfect...but, it seemed none of the "Doms" wanted anything to do with me. I tried for hours it seemed to lure one of them in with my sexual wiles, but none of them gave me a second glance. Finally, I fell asleep on one of the couches in the "main" room, and woke up tied to a device - kind of like a table in the Dr's office, but softer and fluffier. My legs were tied open, so that everyone could see me...and I was being violated in various, evil ways. The entire room was watching me, and my body was aching to cum. I was subjected to various insertions and fucking, and licking, and it all felt so delicious. But...I couldn't cum. No matter what happened, no matter how good it felt, my body would not cooperate, so I was suspended in frustration.

Anyway, not that being suspended in sexual frustration is a bad thing. I just dont want to hang out there forever.

I have been fantasizing for days on end. I think I might explode eventually : )

Waffling

Oh yes. I am sure that I am about to start my period, because I am pissed off at the world right now. Just try me. Go ahead - I fucking dare you. Wanna mess with a girl who is 20 days late for her period? I double dog fucking dare you.

And it is quite impossible for me to be pregnant - just as a side bar. Unless, of course, I am the Virgin Mary.

I discussed further with the ex this weekend about him possibly moving in as a roommate. I feel that he wants to be more, and I don't. The selfish part of me told him that he is more than welcome to rent a room in my house. I did. I actually told him that he could...I want help with the rent damn it! I can't help it! I am poor! I am weak! Give me a fucking break. However, after spending time with him this weekend, and noticing all the little habits that made me want to scream before he moved out the first time, I am thinking, well, I could have jumped the gun a bit.

Hey groceries aren't everything right? Who needs cable or internet. I am thinking...NOT ME! I could stand to lose a few pounds from lack of groceries. My mom would never let me starve! As long as I can have control of MY remote, and my household, I have won!!

Oh let me apologize to all you (two) readers who may think my "waffling" is a bore. Today, I might invite the ex to move back in - tomorrow, I might change my mind...Wednesday, I might just change my fucking mind again, and Thursday? Who knows!? I dont know what I am doing from one second to the next.

Right now? I just don't give a fuck.

Crap

I feel like crap. Something is wrong. I just know it. I haven't felt good in a while. I must need exercise and vitamin C or something.

I think I talked about "cramping" (as in menstrual) in my first blog in November, but...I never started my period. I was supposed to start October 30th. I am so sick of this. I am always - ALWAYS at least two weeks late and usually more.

I had an abnormal mammogram about 6 weeks ago, and I am going to see a surgeon on December 3rd. I doubt that they will find cancer. I think it is just something they do if they see something weird. I have some sort of calcification in my breast which may or may not signify cancer. These calcifications are usually seen in people over 50 though, which is kind of perplexing. But, it is not unheard of for someone aged 36 to have this show up in a mammogram. I will save my anxiety for AFTER the dr's appt. I am just glad that they are so proactive with women and breast cancer these days.

My glands in my neck feel swollen, I feel tired all the time, and there is something wrong that I just can NOT put my finger on...Maybe, I am just spread a little too thin these days with work, school and volunteering at the pregnancy center.

My ex-husband kissed me on the mouth the other day. Just a peck, but one that he meant for me to think about, because he grabbed me and planted it right on my unsuspecting lips. I felt REALLY weird about it. I am not attracted to him in that way at all right now, so it left me feeling confused. All this is on top of him asking to be my room mate, and him telling me that he still loves me and always will. I thought he just wanted to move in and be friends. We can't be married, we can't be lovers, so why is he confusing the issue now? I need to let him know that I am not interested in anything other than friendship. I surely do not need that complication right now. Being his room mate is one thing (I was that for four years), but being more than friends and being room mates is not on my agenda.

Lazy

I just really haven't felt like updating lately. I should. I think it helps me think about things to see them in print, but I have just been lazy.

Arrgh. The only class that I could register for that wouldnt interfere with my volunteer work, is a class on the campus that is 40 minutes away from my house instead of the usual 5. I mean. It is just twice a week, but that is so annoying. I am really thinking about dropping it and taking it next term. That might just be the best thing for me to do right now. Next term, they offer the same class 5 minutes away. I dont want to drive that far...there! I am going to withdraw.

See how I worked that out by seeing it in print? Awesome.

I have a lot more to type about, but I just don't feel inspired. I have tons of work to do here, and I just can't rant and rave about ME all day! What kind of person would I be if I did?!

Unmotivated

I do not want to be at work today. I am just not motivated to be here. I think I am cramping...which we all know what that signifies. I am sure that is the source of my unmotivation. I was supposed to start on Oct 30, but of course since I am always a week or two late, I am not going to start until today. Hmmm. I guess it could be worse. I am shaky, clumsy, and pretty much a total wreck. Geez.

My ex husband asked again if he could be my room mate. And with my daughter on the brink of moving out, I have to say, the selfish money grubbing part of me wants to let him move in to her empty room and pay half the rent. I am still considering this option. I will have to lay down some ground rules though. I will not be nagged in my own home, and I will be in charge of the remote. This is not a democracy.

He also said that he is still in love with me. He will just have to keep that to himself. I am not even thinking about romance right now. I have too much going on.

I am tired today. I have a test in psychology and I don't even care. Blah fucking blah blah blah.

I am still considering turning my cable off in addition to the phone/dsl that I had turned off. I just need the money and I need to not watch so much tv.

I feel depressed. This is kinda funny, because I think I accidentally took my antidepressant twice this morning. Weird.

Ack. What can I say. I feel like a dumbass, dork, dimwitted nobody.

There, how's that for an entry.

4 Minutes

I wanted to at least write a short blog to show that I am still alive and kickin. I turned off my DSL at home, so I only get to write in my blog from work, which hasn't worked out very well as of late.

I have a lot to write about, but just not enough time.

Last night I went out with some friends to a concert. It was okay. I am not a big fan of The Cult, but whatever. I had to take care of some very, very drunk friends, and of course, there isn't anything different about that than any other time I go out with friends. I was the designated driver, and upon dropping the owner of the car off at home, I scraped down the side of his Infinity on a pole of a stand alone garage thingy in his yard. He was drunk and was pissed, and I was still driving his car to take everyone else home, so I pulled away and just hoped he would cool off.
I think things are okay. The damage wasn't too bad, and in my opinion, I think they all those drunk fuckers should be glad that I went along to rescue them. I do feel bad about it - really bad. But, I am a guilt ridden person anyway.

Going out is just not for me. The consequences outweigh the rewards for me. I am too old.

Dilemma

I have a dilemma.

My friends want to plan a "girl trip" to florida for sometime in November.
The thing is, my friends can afford the trip. They have careers, or they are married and their husband's make a lot of money, or they have inherited money from a source.
I am not in their league at all right now. I was at one time, but not right now. Not with working part-time, and going to school. I have been even thinking about turning off my phone and DSL, just so I can buy enough groceries to live on each month. Priorities, right?

Well, they have all decided that they would pay my portion on the beach house, and cover me if they decide to go out to eat somewhere expensive. Two of my friends said that they would NOT go if I couldn't go. I know they want me there. I know they want me there bad enough to pay most of my way. I am flattered, really. I know they expect nothing in return; however, I just can't do it. I have felt like I have been taking handouts from people my entire life. Being a single mom, and raising her on my own, I had to swallow alot of pride and let people help me once in a while. But, my daughter is 19, and I am NOBODY's charity case - not anymore.

The second reason that I don't want to go, is because one of my friends has decided to take her teenage daughter. Now, I love this kid, and I have no problem with her coming, except for the fact that I can't afford to bring my daughter along. So, while my friend is bringing her daughter, because she couldn't bare leaving her at home while she went and had fun at the beach...my daughter will be at home.

3rd and final reason - I have no one to watch my bulldog, and the house that they have talked about renting allows NO PETS, NO EXCEPTIONS. I can't leave him home with my daughter, she has a busy life of her own. I refuse to kennel him, because bulldogs are so fragile, that I am afraid they wouldnt take very good care of him. Bulldogs have a lot of issues that one has to be acutely aware of at all times, and I just cant leave him for 4 days without obsessing over him the whole time. Maybe, that sounds crazy, but I can't help it. If I were planning the vacation, I would stay somewhere pet friendly, but I am not. I have no control over any of it.

Anyway, that is where I stand right now. I have tried to back out several times, but my friends keep pushing. I am meeting them on Wednesday night to talk about the trip. I will just let them know, thanks, but no thanks.

Friday!

I am sooo tired today, but so glad that it is Friday.

The long day yesterday went well. Work, volunteer, school...I got home at 8pm last night after leaving in the morning at 7am. I felt like giving myself a "high 5" (or is it hi-5?)Oh whatever...it could be low 5 or lo-5, what the hell? Anyway, I was really proud of what I accomplished on Thursday.

Furiousball, I have no idea how you do all of the things you do. You are a mad man. And a good father ta boot. You have inspired me on a lot of levels that you don't even realize.

I have so much work to do today. I am going to try and stay over at least an hour, and I plan to come in on Saturday for a few as well. I really just need the money. I can do this...I think I can. I think I can...

Parts of my psychology class are starting to get a bit more interesting. Like the different stages of development that some of us reach, or get stuck in. I don't think I have EVER let myself develop real intimacy with a partner. I have always had a barrier up. I have NEVER let myself go completely and absolutely. I wonder if anyone has? I wonder what it would be like. To be lost in intimacy with someone, and to know they were in it with you just as deep. I have no clue what that would be like. It sounds scary, but it also sounds pretty groovy. I think it might be a myth. Something that people think exists, but really doesnt - like perfection.

Maple Syrup

I keep smelling the sickening smell of maple syrup and brown sugar. I have the feeling that it just might be the old crusty bowls of oatmeal that I ate and shoved into one of my desk drawers without rinsing. I totally meant to take them home before vacation, but I forgot. Out of sight, out of mind - I should have never put them in that drawer. I have to take them home tonight; otherwise, that smell is going to give me a migraine. I am glad that to everyone else, it probably just smells like body spray or a candle...but to me, it smells like migraine.

I am getting closer and closer to stepping out the door and going for a jog. I have been walking a good bit lately. I am going to keep walking until I start jogging. And then, I am going to stop eating until I get skinny. Or, maybe, I'll just eat healthy for a change.

Crap. I have Psychology tonight. Yuck.

You know, I just want to feel sexy for a change. I want to feel attractive and delicious and confident. I will add that to my list of goals.