Pregnancy

Not mine! I am filling out an application to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center.
I am dead against abortion, which I am sure could spark many a heated debate, but my belief on this matter is not bendable. Now, I do have an exception, and the reason for this exception is that I know, that if my daughter's life were in danger, and it was because of the unborn child inside her, I would be lying if I were to say that I would prefer to have her sacrifice her life for her unborn child's.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I am in the process of filling out the application so that I can volunteer/counsel people that are faced with unplanned pregnancy, and try to sway them away from abortion. The application is extremely personal, and I am just having a hard time with some of it. One reason is that I don't know a lot about scripture, and it seems that a lot of the questions relate to my relationship with Christ. Also, it is like a job application in the fact that I have to list my strengths and weaknesses, etc. GEEZ! It is just becoming a chore, and I hope that I do not get discouraged.

I am at work trying to waste time again. I need to get in 8 hours today. Only two more to go! Ack!

Action

Me here. At work on Saturday again. This time 2 coworkers have joined me. It kind of makes the time go by faster. Although, I did have to share my popcorn!

Since I have been listening to The Worry Cure on cd, I have really been learning a lot about how I have used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse to put things off, or take the easy route. Like, my ex-husband did something that kind of pissed me off last night, and I started ruminating about it - being pissed off, and then I typed him an email. Well, while I was typing the email, I realized that I was taking a coward's approach (as usual), and I decided to give him a call later and give him a heads up on how I am feeling about what he did. I told myself to put off worrying about it until later on this afternoon. And wow! What freedom!

Also, I have discovered that a lot of my worry hinges on procrastination. I procrastinate with everything! And that huge source of worry and anxiety for me.
My dog needs heartworm medicine. Well, I have worried about that for 2 weeks now...so, today I am going to go and get it so that I can STOP WORRYING about it.
How freakin easy is that???????? I am beginning to think that I like the torture of worry. It gives me something to do. Well, it GAVE me something to do. Not anymore! I am putting ACTION into my worried thoughts. If it is a problem that I can solve, I will come up with a solution, if not, I will let it go. Action.

Now lets just hope I remember to pick up the heartworm medicine on the way home today. Wish me luck!

Algebra

I got an A in Algebra. Yay! Now what will I worry about?!

Anyone wanna send me a magic "wand" so that I can celebrate?
I'm feelin like a bad girl today. I like it.

Today

I just don't feel like working today. It isn't often that I don't feel like working at the beginning of the day...it is usually the afternoon. I am also very impatient about finding out my grade in Algebra. I know I made an A in biology. I want an A in Algebra so bad that I can taste it. If I have to deal with a B, I will deal with it...but, I keep worrying that I missed something, or did really bad on the last two tests (that we never got a grade for) - If I get a C, I will be kinda pissed.

Anyway! I tried to get my social security card with my maiden name on it, but apparently my final divorce decree didn't have my birthdate on it, so they didnt know if it was really me getting a divorce or someone else with my same exact name. So, unfortunately, I have to wait for my lawyer to make an ammendment to my papers before I can get on with changing my name. I am not surprised.

I am having a bit of an addiction problem. I started smoking a cigarette now and then when I was going thru the divorce (I used it as an excuse), and now I am having trouble quitting. I have to quit. I hate smoking, and I want to be healthy and the best me that I can be. I can't do that while smoking. I have quit before, and that is what makes this situation so damn STUPID! Just call me idiot.

I have been listening to The Worry Cure book on cd, and I finally listened to the entire thing. I am going to listen to it again. I was surprised at how many, many things in my personality are defined by my anxiety. Right down to my impatience, my obsessions, and my insecurities. I have to say though, that my anxieties were not caused by anything terrible that happened in my life...I have had anxiety since about age 3...maybe even sooner. It is biological - period. I will learn to control it.

My sister wants me to go to Washington DC with her in December, and a few of my girlfriends want to take a trip to the beach in October. Both parties have agreed to pay MY part of the hotel expense. I feel like such a dumbass, but they tell me that they want me there, and they don't care about the money. I have good friends.

President

I have no idea who I am going to vote for in the Presidential Election. Geez...I am lost. This time, I have been totally uninterested in reading about the candidates, and I have been bored with all things politics. This is not the way I am ordinarily. Hopefully, as the election moves closer, I will start educating myself. I mean, I know what party I vote for, I know what issues I care about...but, you know, voting is a big deal - I'd like to get it right.

One more day of Algebra (Monday), and two more days of Biology (Monday, Wednesday). How exciting!

There is a tornado warning right now in my city. People are leaving to go home in droves. It is kinda stupid I think, to leave this secure building to get out in the storm and traffic when there is a tornado warning. That is why I am writing this blog. I am riding out the storm. People can be dumb. Any excuse to leave early.

My husband and I are still hanging out as just friends. No hanky panky, no holding hands and no kissing. Although, I did have to masturbate before going to bed last night. The lack of sex might be getting to me a little. I will never admit that to the ex though. I need to buy me that vibrating wand. I have always wanted it. I need it! My hand is tired.

Wha?!

Okay, it has been 31 days + 3 weeks since my ex and I signed our divorce papers. I still haven't received any word, nor any signed papers from a judge. I am starting to get a little antsy. Those papers need to be in my mailbox pretty soon. It is going to be such a pain to get my name changed back to my maiden name, I am in a hurry to get started. I hope nothing has happened to stop the divorce somehow. Surely not - I can not think of anything that would keep the judge from signing those papers.

I feel really good today. I felt good yesterday. Hey! I am starting to see a pattern. I am not sure what is going on, but I will take feeling good on any day. I thought I was slipping back into a depression last weekend, but it didn't happen. I was just starting to hate myself, when I pulled right out of it. Weird. Probably had something to do with the talk my ex had with me over the weekend. From what I gathered, I wasn't crazy the whole time we were married, he was. He said that he unintentionally made me think I was the one who was crazy. Alright. I can live with that.

I am at work on this early Saturday morning, getting in some extra hours. I am eating Peanut M&Ms and Fritos. What a great early morning snack. Should do wonders for my high cholesterol.

After work today I am going to check out a festival about 20 minutes away from here with my mom. It is in the town that I just moved from this past January. I miss living there, and I want to move back. I miss living near my parents too. I mean, I am not really that far from them now, but I was just around the corner.

I am starting to do things outside again. Yay! The heat is breaking. I keep dreaming about running again. I would love to run the 10k classic next year. That was my favorite race back 5 years ago when I was healthy. I am going to try it again. I am going to have to start out walking...very slow.

I Can Feel It

Fall is in the air. I know it is there. I can feel it coming. I am so excited!!! I am turning in my vacation request form today, so that I can request off some days at the end of Sept./beginning of Oct, and then again sometime during October. October is my favorite month. I am so excited. I live for October. I guess that could be considered pathetic, but at least I live for something.

I need to start taking better care of myself. I have said it before, but I think I might even mean it this time. Life feels okay right now. I might make it. I have got to stop worrying about what-ifs. I have got to start living my life.

The talk that I had with my ex-husband over the weekend really helped me. It was very therapeutic, and I am feeling alot better about myself, and about his motives.
I dont mind being his friend as long as I know where I stand. I am divorced (even though I still haven't gotten the signed paper from my attorney!). I am no longer legally bound to this man, and I am happy about that. There is freedom in our friendship that I did not have in our marriage. I am my own person, singular, but I can still spend time with him...but, only if I want to.

I sure wish my hair would grow faster. I am ready for it to drag the floor.

Pain Killer

I just took a pain killer. Yay. I like pills. BUT, I do not take them very often. I have a prescription for xanax and that is the only thing that I really take, and I try to save those for times when I really need them. Pills like pain killers or muscle relaxers, I like to take occasionally, which probably means every six months or so...about as often as I take a drink. Not much into drinking, but I do like a glass of Sherry now and then, as I am sure that I have written before. Everything I do is in great moderation. That being said, I just took a pain killer and I am happy to say that I am going to be feelin pretty groovy in a few minutes. I have a bit of a headache, so...that is a good enough excuse, right? Plus the fact that I have 2 hours left at work and I am bored out of my damn mind. Another good excuse for drugs...boredom.

We got an email at work today saying that we can't listen to internet radio anymore, so I am very sad that I will not be listening to Yahoo radio. I can bring in some cd's though. I have a self-help cd on anxiety that I need to listen to anyway. The Worry Cure - it is actually a book on cd, and I keep leaving it at home.

The ex-husband came over this weekend, and pretty much spent all weekend with me. It was his birthday on Sunday, so I was kind of lenient in letting him spend the night, etc. He slept on the couch and NO hanky panky, although, he did hint around for it a good bit. We had a long talk in which he confessed that he feels guilty about how things turned out for us, and he feels like I am struggling with depression and a few other things because of the things he did to me during our marriage. It was good to hear him say it, and I agree with him. He said he is going to do everything in his power to help me become the person I was when he met me. He said he felt that he destroyed me, and that he wants to help me get back on my feet.

I actually think he was sincere, and a load has been lifted from my shoulders.

Saturday

Here I am on a Saturday morning at work. This time, I am making up the hours I missed when I had to go home on migraine Thursday. Damn. Well, at least my check will not be short those hours. I would have rather had extra, but thats fine...really.

I had to make sure that I got here when I said I was going to. I didn't realize that my coworker is scared to be in the building alone, so last week I was an hour and a half later than I said I was going to be and my coworker freaked out on me when I finally got here. Since I am not scared to be in this building alone, I didn't think she would be, but I was WRONG. So, this morning, I made sure to get here on time. I felt so bad. The building is VERY secure, but I know how it is with shadows and what-ifs.

I think my ex-husband is actually playing it cool and trying to win me back. He said that I am his best friend, but in actuality, I think he is just making me think he just wants to be friends until he can move in for the kill. As long as I know what he is doing in the back of my mind, then I certainly wont be caught off guard when he tries to execute his plan.

I still haven't received my divorce papers signed by the judge. I thought it only took 31 days? I should have been celebrating 15 days ago. I am getting nervous. I mean, everything should be fine, but damn...WTF?!

Just a couple more weeks of school left for the quarter. I cant believe another quarter has flown by. I'll be done before I even have a chance to adjust to the chaos. Wow.