Paid

Shew! I can not wait to get my paycheck with all this overtime on it! HOW EXCITING!
I am hoping they come up with more projects like this in the future. Even though it might be tough once I start back to school...I DON'T CARE! I need this money.

The building that I work in is HUMONGOUS! I just practiced jogging on the way back from the bathroom. I could jog around the room that I work in 5 times and it would probably equal a mile. I work in a cubicle. The room is full of them...a million cubicles. It is a nice cubicle though. I have a lot of room, and a lot of privacy...

I feel like jogging around the building. Hey! Why not? Nobody's here.

Today is my daughter's 19th birthday.

More later.

Dreams

I'm going to update before my hands get tired. They were tired yesterday, but they are okay right now...I better hurry. I forgot my wrist band...ugh.

The husband is not going to be able to get his things out of my house this weekend. (SURPRISE!) He said he doesnt have the money to rent the truck or the rental space right now. I told him he could wait until he gets paid next weekend. Of course I told him that...I'm nice.
I knew that he would put it off though.

He keeps asking me what I am doing this weekend. I don't understand why. He calls me everyday. I am still perplexed about that. He doesn't want me, but he is desperate to spend time with me...and he keeps asking my opinion on things that I am not obligated to help him with anymore.

Whatever. I'm not really perplexed. I don't even know why I pretend to be. It is as simple as this: He hasn't found anyone else yet. Period. Wow. How complicated.

How can I cut him off without looking like a bitch? I do not love him. I do not want to spend time with him. I do not want to help with his problems. I want him to leave me alone. I want him to get his stuff out of my house. ALL OF IT, so that he has no excuse to "stop by".

I should be honest and let him know I am uncomfortable.

I have discovered music again. It is a novel idea. I want more.

I had a very sexual dream last night. I thought that part of me was dead. Well...I guess not!
I can't get it out of my head. Maybe, my next few entries will include some fantasies. I am in the mood.

Good Night

I'm about to go to sleep. Or as us southerners say; "I'm fixin to go to bed".

I took a phenergan, so that once I am asleep, I will stay asleep.

I am a little sad, a little depressed, and a little mad at myself right now. I feel like a blob of nothing.
Yuck. I can't get motivated to do anything but lay on the couch and watch tv. Sad. Sad. Sad.

What is wrong with me?

Frankie The Bulldog is growling and barking at me...he is ready for bed too.

Okay.

Good Night.

Today

I am wearing wrist brace. It is helping. I have two other ones that I can put in the freezer or heat in the microwave. They work wonders. I should not be typing this at all, but I need something to do for the next few minutes here at work.

My hands hurt, my wrists hurt and my arms hurt all the way up to my shoulders. Could be worse, right? I could be unable to work at all! I feeel lucky!

Whoa, my boss just came by. Yikes. I know she saw my blog. Oh well.

The husband has called me 4 times today...and Sunday, he called to ask if he could come by and pick up a helmet he left, and when he came over - he stayed for hours and hours. He talked to me about EVERYTHING going on in his life right now. I DONT CARE DAMNIT!

What the hell? He knows we are getting a divorce. He is renting a truck next week to pick up all his stuff from my house (I'll believe that when I see it), yet he keeps calling and wanting to come over to spend time with me.

I would be less perplexed if I were giving up the booty...

My Aching Hands

My hands are so tired from doing so much data entry. I am working again tomorrow to make that overtime mula. I am excited about getting a substantial paycheck during my next few pay periods. I am also a bit bitter that I am having to work so hard to make ends meet; however, I am ready for the challenge. I've been doing it all my life anyway.

It is much easier now that my daughter has a job, and she pays for everything on her own. She buys her own clothes, pays for her own gas, and all her extra curricular activities. That is something that I never had in the past. She doesn't pay rent, and I will never ask her to. I want her to do well in college. If she decides that she wants to move out on her own, well, that is fine...but she knows she doesnt have to. IF she does move out...that will be weird. I have NEVER lived by myself. I have never been responsible for just me. That is new territory.

When that time comes, I might actually be able to buy some new clothes, and do a lot of things for myself that I have never been able to. Weird. What in the hell will I do. What do I want?
I need to answer those questions. Wow. What a gift. And I am still young.

Young, single, and no children to take care of. Weird. Weird. Weird.

Well, I do have 2 dogs and a cat. I guess I am stuck with those...hahaha.

I can't wait to finish school. I hope my hands hold out for another two years.

I need to write that book.

Life is good. I am a little depressed as to be expected. A little lonelier than I expected...and a lot fatter than I want to be, but, everything is okay...definitely.

Movin on

I have a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday, July 10th. She is going on vacation, so I couldn't get an earlier date. That sucks, but at least things will get rolling after that.

The husband is going to come by, not this weekend, but next weekend to get all his stuff moved out of my house. He asked me to make a list of everything that I want to keep. Well, I want everything that is mine...plus everything that isn't his. Anyway, whatever.

I am a bit down in the dumps, because I am broke. My friend next door invited me out to eat, and said she would pay, but that makes me feel like a loser...so, I passed. Damn. I could use a night out to dinner right now. But, that would mean taking a shower and putting some make-up on. Plus, I would have to leave the bully here all by his little lonesome.

I really should clean house. I have dishes in the sink that I haven't washed since...well, I can't remember, but they are piled up. I have been working so much that I don't feel like doing anything when I get home. I work tomorrow and Sunday too.

I can't wait til the money starts rolling in. That will be fabulous.

I'm tired.

Migraine

I woke up with a horrible migraine around 1am. I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. Again, I took just enough medicine to either kill me, or get rid of the migraine. I am still not sure which happened. I think I am alive...

I got to work late, but it doesn't matter as long as I put in 8 hours today. I am going to work 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday, so I can at least get 48 hours in this week.

I got the reply from my soon to be ex-husband:

"I know that we can't go on the way we are now, but I hate the word "divorce" when it comes to us. I guess "it is what it is", but It implies negative bullshit. I've been dragging my feet and trying to think whether or not we could make it work, but the truth is, I'm a confused man. Part of me can't picture a life without you in it, and every time I think about it, it just makes me more confused. Part of me wants so many things from life that I'll probably never have. Part of me thinks I'm dragging you down, slowing you down, and confusing you, which I don't mean to do. Part of me just wants to sleep for a few days and escape life for a while. Truth is, I do love you, miss you, and care about you.Truth is, I know that you love and care about me.Problem is, I don't think I know how to co-exist with another human being, and I'm afraid of screwing things up even more. "

Okay, wha? I take that as a yes. I didn't need all of that crap, so this was my reply:

"Really, I don't need an explanation. I was just really looking for your confirmation, so that you wouldn't be surprised when you got the papers.
Shit happens, and I am ready to move on. I'm not blaming anyone, and I am not mad. I just want to get on with the next chapter.

I'll find a lawyer. It might take me a couple of weeks, because I am working overtime here at work, but I will find one ASAP."

He has called me a couple of times since wanting to just "chat" about everything going on in his life with his job and his kids and his ex-wife , but I am not putting myself in that situation right now. I am going ahead with the divorce, and I am going to be an adult about it. But, I refuse to be his confidante. It isn't my role anymore...

Well, let me get back to work. I am still feeling drugged from my overnight migraine.

Things feel right. I am feeling good. I am making the right decision. I know it.

Nothing

Since I am working on a big data entry project at work, I am trying to "save" my hands, so this entry will be short and sweet.

I haven't heard anything from my husband. Nothing. No email, and no phone call since that one yesterday. I am assuming that I have my answer, and I am going forward with the plan.

I feel fine with it.

I want to go skating.

I want to talk about more things, but I can't type too much right now. Maybe, tonight.

Email II

My husband called this morning and said he got the email last night, but didn't get the chance to respond. He didn't sound upset, he just mentioned that he didn't want to lose me. It sounded like he wants to make sure that we remain friends...but, really, I am not going to promise that. There are waaaaay too many factors, and to be honest, I really don't have time to be his friend. I don't have time to solve his problems. I need to work on my own. I don't have time to be his cheering section. I have to cheer myself on...Well, you get the idea. I am planning on taking time for me, and that doesn't involve being my ex husband's friend.

He didn't say much on the phone, we were both quiet. He said he would come up with an email response to my email, but that was hours ago, and I still don't have an email from him. He will be going off to work soon, so I probably wont get a return email until some crazy time in the a.m. when he gets off of work and can't sleep.

I am curious to what he has to say, but at the same time, he has a knack for hurting my feelings, and I am really not looking forward to any of that. Maybe, he will just be as straight to the point as I was. It is the thing to do. IT is the next step. Dragging it out, or lending too much of an explanation as to why we are getting divorced, at this point, will just be a waste of time. I am so hoping for a short and sweet email giving me the go ahead to hire the lawyer.

Email

I sent this email to my husband today. I hope that it doesn't make him angry. I truly feel that this is what he wants as well, and I am hoping that he is more relieved than angry. However, sometimes, when the other person makes the first move, it still pisses you off no matter what.

"Mom said she would pay for us to get a divorce if we want to go ahead and file.
I would say we could file the papers ourselves, but I think it would just be more hassle than we can deal with right now. I’ll find the lawyer – since it is non-contested and we don’t have any assets (or children) it should be easy.

Let me know what you think"

I am really just looking for closure. He is having a lot of issues with his ex and his children right now. Let's just say, his ex is not treating his children the way they deserve to be treated, and has kicked two of them out. My husband is doing everything he can to help his children, and that is pretty much all I am going to say about that. I am trying to talk his eldest daughter into coming to stay with me. She is not really comfortable with any of her other options. She can stay with me until she decides where she wants to be, I don't care, as long as she is ok.

We are about to start a project at work, and I will get the opportunity to work full time AND over time for the next month or so! I am so excited! It could not have happened at a better time. School is out for a month, and I need the money so bad.

Mom

Thank God for my mother. She came and rescued me from myself today. Sometimes, I can stay locked in my house for days at a time. Someone usually rescues me, but if they didn't, I could probably disappear...

My daughter had an appointment to get a tattoo, and mom talked me in to getting dressed, so we could go and hang out while daughter was getting all tatted up. I am soooo freakin glad that I went. I didn't even realize that I needed to go out. Scary. I feel recharged, and brand new. Being with my mom always makes me feel that way.

So, I am back now, sitting by myself...I enjoy being alone. Probably a little more than most people. But, sometimes, I fail to realize how much I need to be around other people. I really do need other people. Really! No, really...

My mom said that she would pay for my divorce if I wanted to go ahead and serve the papers.It doesnt look like dear ol' hubby is going to make the first move. I think I will give him a heads up as soon as I can, and go ahead and take her up on the offer.

To be fair

My mind is all over the place today. I can't concentrate. All I can do is self-reflect on the past 4 years.

To be fair, my husband is partly right. I did probably convince him to marry me. I thought, because he pursued me so diligently in the beginning, that he would love me forever. It took him 3 months to convince me to go out on a date with him. I told him that I wasn't attracted to him, and that we would NEVER be anything more than friends. Hmmm. So, when he didn't give up, and convinced me that I was the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, well, I guess I thought the next step would be marriage. I invited him to move in after we dated for only 4 months, and things pretty much went down hill from there. I assumed that when he moved in that marriage would follow. I know we both talked about it - I didn't just assume on my own, but I am sure that while he may have spoken about marriage in a future sense, I may have taken it to be "right now". I really don't know. I really can't remember...

I do remember taking it upon myself to design my engagement ring, and applying for the financing to get it. WHAT?! Did I really do that?

I also remember feeling clausterphobic when he moved in. I was 32 and had NEVER been married, and NEVER lived with anyone other than my daughter. He was in my space, and it was a huge adjustment.

A couple of months before the wedding, I felt like things were changing. I felt that the luster had worn off, and that my husband was being distant. But, I just thought it was because we were just settling into the relationship and the excitement was starting to wane. Also, I was in the process of planning a wedding , and that was unsettling at best. Planning the wedding was so time consuming and hectic - it almost killed me, so I really didn't have time to notice any red flags (if there were any). I do remember asking my husband on several occasions if he was SURE that he wanted to marry me. If he wanted to put off the wedding, or cancel everything, he had the opportunity to do so. He always said that he was sure...Maybe, he was just scared to admit the truth. Sometimes, that happens. I can't blame him. He got mixed up in the moment, right? I mean, so did I...

The first two days we were married, I felt a panic inside me that I have never known. We went to the mountains on our honeymoon, and I just laid in the bed beside him, wondering what the hell I had done! It was awful! On the other hand, he looked cool as a cucumber, and didn't show the first sign of regret. I felt trapped and I wanted to run. I didn't run though, and by the 4th day or so, everything started to get better. I decided right there, I made a committment and I will stand by my decision...plus, I loved my husband.

Things didn't change after the wedding. My husband was still distant, and I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I wanted to please him. I had no idea how to be a wife. I gave him anything he asked for, and that was my biggest mistake.

Had I realized how unhappy he was before the wedding, I could have saved us both, but I didn't. I think his unhappiness contributed to his taking me for granted, and for his taking all of my money and ruining my credit. Perhaps, he thought he deserved it all, because he had gotten roped in to marrying me. He didn't work for an entire year, and I supported him. Wow. Thinking back...he must have really felt trapped and depressed. He did what he had to do, I guess.

I have to take responsibility for my part in all of this. Maybe, I was trying to create some sort of fairy tale just because a man was persistent in trying to date me. I felt he loved me more than I loved him, and that made me feel safe. I know that sounds terrible, but I didn't count on the fact that his love was only infatuation/lust, and would eventually wear off. I didn't know that the tables would turn, and I would be left with nothing.

Fine. Now, I hope I can move on. Shit happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. I can accept that.

HA!

I don't have much to complain about today. Positive thinking equals positive results. It is pretty sad that I don't have anything to complain about. I am complaining about not complaining. Wow.

I will be leaving work in about 7 minutes, and I am hoping to go home and clean house with a vengence. I was going to do that yesterday, but I was too tired. I even had the day off, but I was still too tired.

I made an A in my biology class, by the way. The final was a breeze. Well, I say it was a "breeze", but I studied until I almost puked, so it better have been a breeze! Now, I get a month off to rest...

Things are going just fine. I still haven't talked to my husband. He calls and we make small talk. He even emailed me some surface bulls*t today. I think we both know what is up. We just need to make all the arrangments now. File the papers, etc. He needs to rent another storage unit, because a lot of the furniture in the house was his. Weird.

One of my friends told me the other day that she and he were talking one night, and he told her (she was drunk - he was sober), anyway, he told her that I roped him in to marrying him, and that he didn't want to get married again. I wonder how many people he told that story to. Just for the record, I never roped anyone in to anything. I would NEVER force someone to do something against their will - or even strongly suggest it. It is not in my nature. That kind of made me feel like an idiot. Only after I realized that if he told one of my good friends that story, he probably told a lot of other people as well.

And I thought I couldn't come up with something to complain about. HA!

One quick post

My biology final is tomorrow, and I just finished studying for the night. I studied for six hours straight and still didn't cover all of the material. I will be getting up at 5am.

Nothing new on the husband front. We haven't gotten the chance to talk. Divorce is the name of my game. Don't know what his is. Don't care.

Must sleep.

Its about to happen...

My husband and I just had a brief conversation about our relationship on the phone. We are going to talk tomorrow. He had to go back to work. I know where things are going. He knows where things are going.

Its about to happen.

So. It is 5:47pm

I am supposed to stay at work today until 6pm. I am trying my damndest. I can not think of a better time to write a blog entry.

I took a make-up test in biology today. They are a billion times harder than the regular tests...it is their way of convincing you to NEVER miss another test. Well, I didn't mean to miss this test. I literally overslept. It was the dumbest thing in the world. Anyway, I made an 81, and I am happy with it. It was hard. I was suprised that I made that high of a grade. I must have thrown in some pretty good bullshit. I think I am going to have an A in the class. The final is Wednesday.

Geez. 5:38.

I feel really great today. I am not sure what is going on. Maybe, it is the relief of the end of the quarter drawing near. I just don't know. I feel happy. I can't wait to go home and make dinner and then study for my final.

Maybe, I feel happy, because I think things are going to work out somehow in my favor. School is going better than I expected it would. I am trying not to think about the fact that I am in school at 36, but there are students in my class waaaay older than me. Also, I think I am going to be able to stretch my money to pay my bills - as long as a disaster doesnt happen. I am not prepared for any surprises.

I am really just rambling on.

My husband did end up coming over this weekend. He came over Saturday night and we went out to dinner with my best friend and her husband. My daughter and her boyfriend came as well. It was my best friend's birthday, and we went to Carrabas. The husband spent the night Saturday, and Sunday night. I still don't know what is up with him. He had a few shots of Crown Royal, and started mumbling about our relationship and asked me if I thought I could sleep in the same bed with him eventually...I think he is just nuckin futz. He don't know what he is doing...

Twisted

Seriously, when I let my imagination run wild, I've discovered that I really have a twisted, fucked up mind. I think about writing a book, but I am not so sure that I want people to know that I have those kind of thoughts just lying around in the back of my mind. Authors that write really twisted and fucked up stories really have a lot of courage. I sat back at my computer and decided to let my mind run wild, and it scared me. If you knew me, you would probably think that I sit around thinking about bunnies and butterflies all the time. This just aint true. I am one fucked up individual - only in my mind, though. Maybe, I am afraid if I let some of it out, I might actually become that person.

If I should decide to sit down and write out some of the stories in my head, I will HAVE to make sure that it is password protected - I would hate for my daughter to read it. And I'll have to have a pen name. Yes...definitely a pen name.

Ego

A girl here at work just gave me 3 bananas. I don't really like bananas. I eat them sometimes, because I know they are good for me. I like bananas in my fruit smoothies, but I just dont like the texture when I peel one and eat it. Ew. But, I am a little hungry, and I keep thinking about eating one of those bananas. Maybe, my taste buds have changed...I think I'll try one.

Some tall weird man just walked by my computer and looked at my screen. WTF? Checkin up on me, are ya? Strange.

I feel really good right now. I am in a good place. I spent time with my parents yesterday. At one point, I laughed so hard with my mom that I almost pee'd my pants. She does that to me. Once we start laughing...it is all over. I love my parents. I have a great relationship with both of them. They are my stability. They have been married 38 years.

I have stopped taking my husband's calls. He called several times yesterday and the night before and could not reach me, so he started calling other people. He left me a message saying that he was worried, so I ended up having to call him. He wanted to know my plans for the weekend, and I told him that I was going to this "thing" on Saturday with my good friend/neighbor, and he said he had been planning to ask me to go on another ride with him this
Saturday. He sounded disappointed.

He also asked me if I missed him. That really pissed me off!
Just because he thinks I'm moving on again (and I am), he decided to care again. WHAT?! He hasn't asked me anything remotely like that in over 6 weeks! Why did he ask me that now? Do I miss him?! No, actually, I don't. We don't kiss when we are together, we don't hold hands, we don't do anything married couples do...WHY WOULD I MISS HIM?? He contributes nothing - nada - zip - zero... Now, that is an ego.

Ack

I came home and the sink is full of dishes, the house is a wreck, and I need to study.
Damn. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I had a positive attitude all day...until I got home.

Okay, I am closing my eyes, and now I am smiling. I must go study. I must make an A on both tests tomorrow. I can not settle for less. I had a bowl of cereal, and now I am ready ta go. Woo hoo! YES! Woo hoo! Life is great! I am smiling! Happy. Happy. Happy thoughts.

Wait...I think I smell poo.

Somebody Slap Me

Geez. Would somebody slap me please!???
I just can't snap out of this funk. I took a xanax in hopes of feeling better, but now I just feel blah, and sleepy. I need to study! I need to snap out of it!

Maybe, I just need a good spanking.

I told my husband yesterday that I thought hypnosis wasn't real, and that I didn't think I could be hypnotized. He told me that he thought that I could be hypnotized very easily, because I am easily manipulated by suggestion. He told me that I am a follower, not a leader...

I think he confuses my submissive nature with weakness...a lot of men probably do.

My daughter bought me the book - The Secret. I am going to start reading it tonight between studying biology and taking sips of Sherry. I might even smoke a couple of cigarettes. Can someone please lead me in the right direction? Without a great and mighty leader, I might not be able to function this evening.

Confused

I dont even know what to write about today...I am so confused. I am at work, and I am ahead of schedule, so I figured I would take a break and write for a bit.

I have two tests on Wednesday, so I am thinking about getting out of here a little early today to study. I can leave after my test in lab on Wednesday, so I can come in to work to make up the hours.

I went on the motorcycle ride on Sunday. It was really a lot of fun. I enjoyed being on the harley, and I totally trusted my husband to handle the bike with me on it. I can say that I would love to go riding again, but that would mean that I would have to go riding with him again, and I just can not allow myself to do that. He is giving me no signs of life - no clues at all to what is going on in our relationship. Well, the clues that I am picking up are that he doesnt want me at all. I have been wrong before on several occasions, but I am pretty sure this time. He has changed his mind. I just cant figure out why he keeps coming over on the weekends, and making dates with me.

As of today, I am going to stop taking his calls, and if I happen to pick up the phone at home (we dont have caller id), I am not going to agree to him coming over at all this weekend. I can't talk to him about it or he will fly off the handle, and I can't deal with this being in between. His mother is home from England, and he is still in her house. WTF?!

Geez. I don't know how to get out of this thing! I don't want to be with him, and I don't want to be fucked over, but somehow, I am letting it happen slowly. Weird.

Migraine

I am going to title all the days that I have a migraine from now on with "migraine". I'd like to keep up with the frequency. I woke up with a horrible migraine, and I have been trying to trudge on like a big girl. I am at work, and it is finally starting to let up a bit. I took a lot of OTC meds, so either I should be dead, or the migraine should be easing up. I am glad it is the latter.

I am also cramping, so you guys that read this should consider yourself lucky that I am not going to title my blog "bleeding" every time I start my period. I love to talk about periods in front of men. Making them uncomfortable and grossed out for that single moment, gives me the greatest sense of satisfaction. Don't know why. Maybe, it has something to do with the fact that men don't bleed EVERY MONTH out of their penis, while feeling like they have been kicked in the balls repeatedly for a couple of days! Yes. That is probably why.

So, now that I have conjured up a lovely picture of myself today, I will end with this...

Ouch.