To be fair

My mind is all over the place today. I can't concentrate. All I can do is self-reflect on the past 4 years.

To be fair, my husband is partly right. I did probably convince him to marry me. I thought, because he pursued me so diligently in the beginning, that he would love me forever. It took him 3 months to convince me to go out on a date with him. I told him that I wasn't attracted to him, and that we would NEVER be anything more than friends. Hmmm. So, when he didn't give up, and convinced me that I was the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, well, I guess I thought the next step would be marriage. I invited him to move in after we dated for only 4 months, and things pretty much went down hill from there. I assumed that when he moved in that marriage would follow. I know we both talked about it - I didn't just assume on my own, but I am sure that while he may have spoken about marriage in a future sense, I may have taken it to be "right now". I really don't know. I really can't remember...

I do remember taking it upon myself to design my engagement ring, and applying for the financing to get it. WHAT?! Did I really do that?

I also remember feeling clausterphobic when he moved in. I was 32 and had NEVER been married, and NEVER lived with anyone other than my daughter. He was in my space, and it was a huge adjustment.

A couple of months before the wedding, I felt like things were changing. I felt that the luster had worn off, and that my husband was being distant. But, I just thought it was because we were just settling into the relationship and the excitement was starting to wane. Also, I was in the process of planning a wedding , and that was unsettling at best. Planning the wedding was so time consuming and hectic - it almost killed me, so I really didn't have time to notice any red flags (if there were any). I do remember asking my husband on several occasions if he was SURE that he wanted to marry me. If he wanted to put off the wedding, or cancel everything, he had the opportunity to do so. He always said that he was sure...Maybe, he was just scared to admit the truth. Sometimes, that happens. I can't blame him. He got mixed up in the moment, right? I mean, so did I...

The first two days we were married, I felt a panic inside me that I have never known. We went to the mountains on our honeymoon, and I just laid in the bed beside him, wondering what the hell I had done! It was awful! On the other hand, he looked cool as a cucumber, and didn't show the first sign of regret. I felt trapped and I wanted to run. I didn't run though, and by the 4th day or so, everything started to get better. I decided right there, I made a committment and I will stand by my decision...plus, I loved my husband.

Things didn't change after the wedding. My husband was still distant, and I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I wanted to please him. I had no idea how to be a wife. I gave him anything he asked for, and that was my biggest mistake.

Had I realized how unhappy he was before the wedding, I could have saved us both, but I didn't. I think his unhappiness contributed to his taking me for granted, and for his taking all of my money and ruining my credit. Perhaps, he thought he deserved it all, because he had gotten roped in to marrying me. He didn't work for an entire year, and I supported him. Wow. Thinking back...he must have really felt trapped and depressed. He did what he had to do, I guess.

I have to take responsibility for my part in all of this. Maybe, I was trying to create some sort of fairy tale just because a man was persistent in trying to date me. I felt he loved me more than I loved him, and that made me feel safe. I know that sounds terrible, but I didn't count on the fact that his love was only infatuation/lust, and would eventually wear off. I didn't know that the tables would turn, and I would be left with nothing.

Fine. Now, I hope I can move on. Shit happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. I can accept that.