I have two tests next Wednesday in my biology class! I wont have lab anymore after Wednesday though...woo hoo! I don't like lab - it lasts almost 3 hours. Plus, it always involves doing something uncomfortable like working with a partner or a group. Anyway, just one more week of that - and two more weeks of lecture and I am done for this quarter. Maybe I can work full time hours until school starts back for Summer quarter. I need to get ahead and put some money into savings.
My daughter starts a new job tonight. She will be waiting tables at a cute little pizza/pasta place up the street from us. I do hope she likes it. She needs a job closer to home, and she needs to make some money. I am nervous for her. She is shy like me, but she is a lot more social, so I think she will be able to overcome her shyness. My shyness is a handicap, but it is not for her. She loves to be around people. I hope no one is mean to her, and I hope she gets lots of good tips.
I still haven't gotten the chance to go skating. I have been so busy! I am going this weekend, damn-it!
My husband wants me to go on a motorcycle "ride" this weekend. It isn't very far, and at the end there is a cool festival and they are giving away tattoos and such, but I am still confused about us, and I have no idea why he keeps inviting me places on the weekend. It sounds fun, and I want to go, but on the other hand, I kind of want to be busy. I need to stop letting him in on the weekends if I am going to end this thing. He was working on his bike all weekend last weekend, because he had to get it finished by the time his mother got back from England. She came home last night, and he just barely finished his bike. As a matter of fact, he was driving her car today when I talked to him. Anyway, I only saw him for a short time over the weekend, and I think I should make myself unavailable from now on...but, if I know myself, I will cave in and go on the bike ride. It sounds like fun...sometimes, I can't help myself.
One of my good friends just moved in next door, and yesterday she asked me if me and my husband "got it on" when he came by the other day. I said, "nope, we have only done that once since February"...and she said, " Don't you get horny?"...What a weird question coming from a girl. I have to tell you, she is the only girl friend that I have that ever mentions the "horny" word. Girls just usually don't admit to being "horny". Anyway, I said, "yes".
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Court
My daughter has a court date on Thursday at 8:30am for not having her car tag within the 30 day allotment. Now, it was partly my fault, because we were in the middle of moving, the husband and I were talking divorce, and meanwhile, I was trying to get the address changed on her driver's license online to reflect the new county that we had moved to. I kept waiting for her license in the mail, and it never came. I kept thinking that it wouldn't necessarily be legal for us to go back to the old county and get her tag, so I waited a little longer for her license (you have to have it to prove you live in the particular county you are registering your vehicle in)...Well, during this waiting period, my daughter got pulled over. So, the very next day we went and registered the car in our old county (right or wrong). The day after she received a ticket, I received a notice from the DMV that her license couldn't be processed online. It took them 3 weeks to get back to me, and I was checking the mailbox daily for her license. I am not sure if they will drop the ticket or not.
I really don't want to go to court with her. I am trying to get her to start doing things on her own (especially in light of the fiasco above). I am going to wait for her to ask me...but I reaaally want her to do this one own her own. HOWEVER, I have already tried to talk to her about what she might need to take with her to court, and she was too "busy" with her boyfriend to think about it...so, I might be too busy to go to court (yeah, whatever! I am sure I will have to go).
Bottom line is that she is talking to one of her friends about getting an apartment. Now, she needs to be able to do most things on her own if she is going to move out. I mean, I will alway be here for her, but she needs to start relying on me less for things that she can take care of on her own. I have shown her how to check her bank account online, but she never checks.
Maybe, all this has to do with me being nervous and anxious about court. I dont want to be uncomfortable, and I just dont want to get up that early!!! DAMN motherhood. It is a never ending job.
I think I may have pms.
I really don't want to go to court with her. I am trying to get her to start doing things on her own (especially in light of the fiasco above). I am going to wait for her to ask me...but I reaaally want her to do this one own her own. HOWEVER, I have already tried to talk to her about what she might need to take with her to court, and she was too "busy" with her boyfriend to think about it...so, I might be too busy to go to court (yeah, whatever! I am sure I will have to go).
Bottom line is that she is talking to one of her friends about getting an apartment. Now, she needs to be able to do most things on her own if she is going to move out. I mean, I will alway be here for her, but she needs to start relying on me less for things that she can take care of on her own. I have shown her how to check her bank account online, but she never checks.
Maybe, all this has to do with me being nervous and anxious about court. I dont want to be uncomfortable, and I just dont want to get up that early!!! DAMN motherhood. It is a never ending job.
I think I may have pms.
Monday, May 28, 2007
I took out the trash
I took out the trash, and I cut the grass, and now I am cleaning house. Tomorrow and the days after, I will go to work, pay my bills, and take care of anything else that comes up. I will rely on myself as I did all the years before my husband came along. I am going to try my best not to ask him for any money, although, I only have enough to pay rent, and will have nothing left over for the next two weeks...He knows I need it. I will not ask. He can be the child he wants to be, and I will be the adult that I want to be.
I think about how he is pretty much mooching off of his mother, the way he mooched off of me...and it makes me want to finish school even more. I want to take care of my parents - I want to be in the position to give them anything they need if one of them gets ill, or if I just want to send them on a cruise, or I want to be the one that buys them dinner every time we go out. My parents have helped me so much over the years, and they still help me. I will never starve or be thrown out on the streets, because they will always be there. I want to be there for them. From here on out...I want to be there for them. Anyway, that is why I want to finish school. That keeps me going. The thought that my parents are going to get old, and they are going to need me, and I am going to be there...only to give - never to take.
Happy Memorial Day!
I think about how he is pretty much mooching off of his mother, the way he mooched off of me...and it makes me want to finish school even more. I want to take care of my parents - I want to be in the position to give them anything they need if one of them gets ill, or if I just want to send them on a cruise, or I want to be the one that buys them dinner every time we go out. My parents have helped me so much over the years, and they still help me. I will never starve or be thrown out on the streets, because they will always be there. I want to be there for them. From here on out...I want to be there for them. Anyway, that is why I want to finish school. That keeps me going. The thought that my parents are going to get old, and they are going to need me, and I am going to be there...only to give - never to take.
Happy Memorial Day!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Step-Children
It was my step-daughter's high school graduation last night. She was absolutely beautiful. I LOVE my stepchildren. My stepchildren are all teenagers, 2 have already graduated, but when I met them, they were 13, 14, & 16, and they have been just incredible. I have no doubt in my mind that they love me, and that they will still be in my life if my marriage to their father ends. They were one of the reasons that I fell for their father to begin with. They are perfect, and I am certainly a better person for knowing each of them. My step-daughter graduated with honors, and I can't wait to see what she accomplishes in life. As a side bar, the step-daughter that graduated last night is also my own daughter's other half - they are best friends, and would absolutely kill for each other...What an incredible gift.
I am thinking about cutting the grass in the back yard. My husband is coming over later, but I think I am going to start counting on numero uno to get things done. Is it too early to wake up my neighbors? 9:45am? That should be acceptable. I have to do it before it gets too hot. I HATE hot weather...I want to live in the tundra.
More later, I suppose. I hear my daughter moving around in the next room.
I am thinking about cutting the grass in the back yard. My husband is coming over later, but I think I am going to start counting on numero uno to get things done. Is it too early to wake up my neighbors? 9:45am? That should be acceptable. I have to do it before it gets too hot. I HATE hot weather...I want to live in the tundra.
More later, I suppose. I hear my daughter moving around in the next room.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Well..
My shoulder hurts from typing so much today. I am trying to work as many hours as I can now - I am thinking that my husband and I are pretty much over. I have just felt a little more enlightened about things today than I have been lately. I don't trust him. He has taken over, well, lets say he has squeezed about $3o,00 dollars out of me, and now I am left with no credit, no money, no house, and the satisfaction of knowing that I wasted all those years becoming financially sound...just to have it all squandered away by my husband. When I finally get him out for good, he will be leaving me with absolutely nothing. When I met him, I was financially stable, and had great credit, and a house that I bought on my own. He needs to go. I can't give him any more.
I got my skates yesterday!!! They fit!! I can't wait to try them out this weekend.
I just want to make it clear that I dont even think I am in love with my husband anymore - and he could fall off the face of the earth right now, and I wouldnt even flinch. So, I am not hurting anymore. I just want this over with, so I can MOVE ON!
I got my skates yesterday!!! They fit!! I can't wait to try them out this weekend.
I just want to make it clear that I dont even think I am in love with my husband anymore - and he could fall off the face of the earth right now, and I wouldnt even flinch. So, I am not hurting anymore. I just want this over with, so I can MOVE ON!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Gag!
Today in class, we dissected a sheep's brain...gross. I have such a weak stomach. I still feel sick! Ew. I was going to come home and make myself another turkey burger, but I think that might be out of the question. I had some strawberries and an ice cream sandwich...Maybe, tonight will just be veggies. Beans and corn...that sounds great.
Also, speaking of gag, when I flush my toilet - I think it is bubbling up into the sinks (kitchen & bathroom!). I have been having to put draino in the tub every couple of weeks, and now, I can't get the tub to unstop. Well, it drains, but very slowly. I have a plumber coming today. I am thankful that I am renting, so that I am not going to be responsible for the bill. That is one positive thing. It is pretty gross. It doesnt happen every time we flush the toilet, but most times. GAG! There is also an awful leak under the kitchen sink, and every time I wash dishes, water gushes out - I can hear it hitting the wood under the sink. It is crazy. I live in a VERY old house. I am so happy that the plumber is coming today.
Other than that, it is a beautiful day. I don't have to work, and I am thinking about cutting the grass in the back yard. My husband cut the front the other day...the back yard is much bigger, but I am just grateful that he cut the front.
Now that I am learning so much about the human body, I think about how it all works together and how fragile we all are. The human body is as vast as the Universe it seems. Geez. Don't let me get on that subject - we will end up somewhere between God and Supernovas.
Also, speaking of gag, when I flush my toilet - I think it is bubbling up into the sinks (kitchen & bathroom!). I have been having to put draino in the tub every couple of weeks, and now, I can't get the tub to unstop. Well, it drains, but very slowly. I have a plumber coming today. I am thankful that I am renting, so that I am not going to be responsible for the bill. That is one positive thing. It is pretty gross. It doesnt happen every time we flush the toilet, but most times. GAG! There is also an awful leak under the kitchen sink, and every time I wash dishes, water gushes out - I can hear it hitting the wood under the sink. It is crazy. I live in a VERY old house. I am so happy that the plumber is coming today.
Other than that, it is a beautiful day. I don't have to work, and I am thinking about cutting the grass in the back yard. My husband cut the front the other day...the back yard is much bigger, but I am just grateful that he cut the front.
Now that I am learning so much about the human body, I think about how it all works together and how fragile we all are. The human body is as vast as the Universe it seems. Geez. Don't let me get on that subject - we will end up somewhere between God and Supernovas.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Strawberries
I cooked myself two turkey patties for dinner, and some stir fry veggies...
NOW, I am going to eat some fresh, juicy, strawberries...and probably going to look at porn.
I like porn.
NOW, I am going to eat some fresh, juicy, strawberries...and probably going to look at porn.
I like porn.
Explanation of things
I am going to attempt to explain how I am feeling at the moment about my marriage.
My husband still comes over every weekend. He just asked me over the phone what I wanted to do this weekend. He spends the night at least twice a week (no sex involved except for that one time weekend before last). He fixes things around the house...takes the trash out every weekend and moves the trash can to the curb for pick up. He does not pay any bills. He did pay for me to have cable installed, and for me to get my rollerskates. Other than that, he said if I need anything(money) - just ask.
I asked him in an email (the date should be in a previous blog entry - let me look.) oh yes. I asked him on Monday, April 23rd, if he would move back in. I never received a reply to that email. He confirmed that he received it, and said he was surprised, and said he would love to move back in if I were serious - but then he never brought it up again. He is continuing to live at his mother's house. I asked him again in an email the other day - the one that I copied and pasted into my blog, and of course, received some cryptic answer about his job being stressful, and something about myspace...
Meanwhile, he speaks of our future together. Things that we will do when we retire. Things that we will do next weekend, or next month. But, he never mentions moving back into the house with me. Now, I am not the best at speaking my mind, but I have made it clear where I stand. I want him to move back in so that we can figure things out. He seems to be in denial.
I can't figure out if he has changed his mind about moving back in, and still wants the divorce, but is just afraid to tell me. Or, if he wants to move in, but really enjoys not having any bills while living at his mom's house. Either way, I am in the dark, and he needs to let me know what is going on.
Funny, I was okay with him leaving in the beginning. We both agreed, but then he had to come back and fuck it all up with his "I made a mistake"s, and "I love you"s. Now, I get the feeling I am the one that is going to be hurt in the end. I should have never given in and had sex with him that day.
Could this have been his plan all along? Did he see that I was going to really going to move on and be okay without him, so he thought he would really try and fuck with my head , so that he could hurt me??
I don't know how all this stuff works. Is he really being vendictive and mean? Am I being the fool again? Man. I need to take a class in spotting manipulation and greed. I'll bet that I would figure out exactly what is going on then.
My husband still comes over every weekend. He just asked me over the phone what I wanted to do this weekend. He spends the night at least twice a week (no sex involved except for that one time weekend before last). He fixes things around the house...takes the trash out every weekend and moves the trash can to the curb for pick up. He does not pay any bills. He did pay for me to have cable installed, and for me to get my rollerskates. Other than that, he said if I need anything(money) - just ask.
I asked him in an email (the date should be in a previous blog entry - let me look.) oh yes. I asked him on Monday, April 23rd, if he would move back in. I never received a reply to that email. He confirmed that he received it, and said he was surprised, and said he would love to move back in if I were serious - but then he never brought it up again. He is continuing to live at his mother's house. I asked him again in an email the other day - the one that I copied and pasted into my blog, and of course, received some cryptic answer about his job being stressful, and something about myspace...
Meanwhile, he speaks of our future together. Things that we will do when we retire. Things that we will do next weekend, or next month. But, he never mentions moving back into the house with me. Now, I am not the best at speaking my mind, but I have made it clear where I stand. I want him to move back in so that we can figure things out. He seems to be in denial.
I can't figure out if he has changed his mind about moving back in, and still wants the divorce, but is just afraid to tell me. Or, if he wants to move in, but really enjoys not having any bills while living at his mom's house. Either way, I am in the dark, and he needs to let me know what is going on.
Funny, I was okay with him leaving in the beginning. We both agreed, but then he had to come back and fuck it all up with his "I made a mistake"s, and "I love you"s. Now, I get the feeling I am the one that is going to be hurt in the end. I should have never given in and had sex with him that day.
Could this have been his plan all along? Did he see that I was going to really going to move on and be okay without him, so he thought he would really try and fuck with my head , so that he could hurt me??
I don't know how all this stuff works. Is he really being vendictive and mean? Am I being the fool again? Man. I need to take a class in spotting manipulation and greed. I'll bet that I would figure out exactly what is going on then.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Better.
I am trying to type this blog discretely. For some reason, I would hate to get caught updating my blog here. Maybe, it is because I love working here so much. I am sure that I will complain about it at times, but I am so lucky to have ever found this job...and I mean that.
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. Actually, after I wrote that blog yesterday, I pulled myself up by my boot straps, and started cleaning the house. Somehow, cleaning house always makes me feel better. I still have some cleaning left to do. I think I will do it tonight. I just decided that I wasn't going to be that person anymore. Depressed, and feeling sorry for myself...or not so much feeling sorry for myself as much as feeling like I can't accomplish the things that I want, because I am not good enough somehow. Well, I am over it for now. People get out of life what they put in...and I am going to put in a lot from now on. I have always wondered what it would be like if I pushed myself to meet my potential. I can't wait to find out.
Well, enough of that crap. I ordered my skates, and they should be in sometime this week. I do hope they fit. I am going to try them out this weekend. I hope I don't break something the first time out.
This morning, I started eating better than I have been, and I am going to continue. I just can not go on feeling like crap, because I eat crap...Crap is not good for eating.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to get down to a weight that my husband (or whatever), will find sexy enough to start doing a little naughty role playing again...Like the Master and slave thing. Of course, if things do not work out with my marriage, at least I will look good...
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. Actually, after I wrote that blog yesterday, I pulled myself up by my boot straps, and started cleaning the house. Somehow, cleaning house always makes me feel better. I still have some cleaning left to do. I think I will do it tonight. I just decided that I wasn't going to be that person anymore. Depressed, and feeling sorry for myself...or not so much feeling sorry for myself as much as feeling like I can't accomplish the things that I want, because I am not good enough somehow. Well, I am over it for now. People get out of life what they put in...and I am going to put in a lot from now on. I have always wondered what it would be like if I pushed myself to meet my potential. I can't wait to find out.
Well, enough of that crap. I ordered my skates, and they should be in sometime this week. I do hope they fit. I am going to try them out this weekend. I hope I don't break something the first time out.
This morning, I started eating better than I have been, and I am going to continue. I just can not go on feeling like crap, because I eat crap...Crap is not good for eating.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to get down to a weight that my husband (or whatever), will find sexy enough to start doing a little naughty role playing again...Like the Master and slave thing. Of course, if things do not work out with my marriage, at least I will look good...
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Why?
I'm feeling a little bit depressed today. In just a bit of a funk. I am trying my best to get in the mood to study for my biology test tomorrow. I don't want to blow my 'A', but I just can not gather the gumption to open my book again. I hate depression.
My husband came by yesterday, and spent the night last night. We are more like friends than husband and wife. Well, I think that husband and wife should be the best of friends, but it seems like we are missing a key element - the spark, or whatever it is that makes marriage special. I keep trying to blame it on him, but it is partly me. I just don't have the energy right now to make things better. He seems disinterested, and I am just a blob of nothingness. Apathy. Maybe, I am just tired of thinking.
I went to buy skates yesterday, and actually went in to a couple of skating rinks to look at their skates. I figured out my size, and now I am just going to buy them online. I can't even get excited about that right now. Man. I just feel blah.
My diet sucks right now. I can't think of the last time that I ate anything healthy. I am sure that has something to do with my depression. I eat like crap, and I get no exercise. I have broken out with a weird rash on my face, and now I am questioning whether or not I can keep pushing myself in school for the next two years. Why is it that things can look wonderful one day and turn to shit the next?
I just watched a documentary on The Last Days of Lisa Lefteye Lopes. It was inspiring. It should have made me want to go out and grab life by the horns, but...now, I just feel defeated.
I feel a little worse. Why?
The world is a beautiful place, and I am blessed, but I just feel like nothing.
Why?
My husband came by yesterday, and spent the night last night. We are more like friends than husband and wife. Well, I think that husband and wife should be the best of friends, but it seems like we are missing a key element - the spark, or whatever it is that makes marriage special. I keep trying to blame it on him, but it is partly me. I just don't have the energy right now to make things better. He seems disinterested, and I am just a blob of nothingness. Apathy. Maybe, I am just tired of thinking.
I went to buy skates yesterday, and actually went in to a couple of skating rinks to look at their skates. I figured out my size, and now I am just going to buy them online. I can't even get excited about that right now. Man. I just feel blah.
My diet sucks right now. I can't think of the last time that I ate anything healthy. I am sure that has something to do with my depression. I eat like crap, and I get no exercise. I have broken out with a weird rash on my face, and now I am questioning whether or not I can keep pushing myself in school for the next two years. Why is it that things can look wonderful one day and turn to shit the next?
I just watched a documentary on The Last Days of Lisa Lefteye Lopes. It was inspiring. It should have made me want to go out and grab life by the horns, but...now, I just feel defeated.
I feel a little worse. Why?
The world is a beautiful place, and I am blessed, but I just feel like nothing.
Why?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Roller Derby
I just got out of the shower, and now I am trying to psyche myself up to go and get my roller skates. I am so excited! But, because I am such a social phobic, I am afraid that I might chicken out of going to get the skates. I would rather buy them on the internet...man o' man why dont I know what size skates I wear???? IT would be so much easier than actually having to go and speak to someone! Who cares if it is their job to speak to me. I am such a mouse. Only my closest friends know about my social phobia. Some of my friends who don't exactly know, know that I behave erratically at times, and probably haven't quite figured out why.
My first step here is to buy skates. The second step is to actually go out and meet the roller derby girls...Which, believe it or not, is less scary...maybe, it is because I KNOW I can skate. It is the other worldly things that I am not sure about.
Do I really want this bad enough? We will know soon enough.
My first step here is to buy skates. The second step is to actually go out and meet the roller derby girls...Which, believe it or not, is less scary...maybe, it is because I KNOW I can skate. It is the other worldly things that I am not sure about.
Do I really want this bad enough? We will know soon enough.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Wasting Time
I am trying to waste time before I go crazy with wanting to get out of here! I just can not enter one more update! The weekend is calling me.
Now, I am trying to decide if I really want my husband to come over this weekend. We actually had sex last weekend. Before that, it was sometime in January. I am trying to decide if I want to let him come over and have sex with me again this weekend, because I kind of want it now that I have had a little taste. That is how I function. If I am not expected to have sex, or if I go without it for a pretty long time, I can keep going on forever without it. So, the more I have it, the more I want it. I don't know if that is the same with every woman, or if it is just me. If you can keep me turned on in some type of sexual way every single day...our sex life would be extraordinary, but if you neglect me for a week, and then expect me to be turned on when you crawl in the bed with me at night...you MUST be joking.
I don't know why I even started writing about that. To those who don't know, I am a naturally submissive woman...and this includes the bedroom. Keep me turned on, and I am yours whenever...Ignore the fact that I am a sexual being, and I turn to stone. Not purposely, mind you...I just lose interest.
So, hence my dilemma - do I let him have sex with me again this weekend? Or do I simply turn it back off, and decline... I don't know. I don't want to open the flood gates for fear of not being able to turn it off for a while.
But, in reality, he doesnt keep me turned on on a daily basis, so we might not even have a dilemma. That is right! Who am I kidding? Either way, it doesnt matter... It's just wam bam thank you mam - and then nothing til next time.
I'm rambling...must go home.
Now, I am trying to decide if I really want my husband to come over this weekend. We actually had sex last weekend. Before that, it was sometime in January. I am trying to decide if I want to let him come over and have sex with me again this weekend, because I kind of want it now that I have had a little taste. That is how I function. If I am not expected to have sex, or if I go without it for a pretty long time, I can keep going on forever without it. So, the more I have it, the more I want it. I don't know if that is the same with every woman, or if it is just me. If you can keep me turned on in some type of sexual way every single day...our sex life would be extraordinary, but if you neglect me for a week, and then expect me to be turned on when you crawl in the bed with me at night...you MUST be joking.
I don't know why I even started writing about that. To those who don't know, I am a naturally submissive woman...and this includes the bedroom. Keep me turned on, and I am yours whenever...Ignore the fact that I am a sexual being, and I turn to stone. Not purposely, mind you...I just lose interest.
So, hence my dilemma - do I let him have sex with me again this weekend? Or do I simply turn it back off, and decline... I don't know. I don't want to open the flood gates for fear of not being able to turn it off for a while.
But, in reality, he doesnt keep me turned on on a daily basis, so we might not even have a dilemma. That is right! Who am I kidding? Either way, it doesnt matter... It's just wam bam thank you mam - and then nothing til next time.
I'm rambling...must go home.
HEH?
Here is one reason that my husband and I are not together right now. Can we say, break down in communication? Actually, we have always had this problem...I ask a simple question, and this is what I get:
(excerpt from email yesterday)
ME:
"Are you planning on moving back in at some point? I'd like an update on things."
HIM:
"You know, you have an uncanny knack for bringing up extremely important "life" questions that I can't just blurt out a yes or no answer to, in the middle of an extremely chaotic period of time. To answer your question in a nutshell, yes I would like to move back home, but I'm afraid to at this point in time. The last two nights at work have been sheer hell for me. From people being absent, to the computers going down then up then down again, to having additional work placed on my shoulders that I don't know how to do, to having 30 people pull me in 30 different directions, all the crap that happened and didn't happen when I wasn't there, to just feeling very anxious and lost. I've taken 4 xanax in the past 2 days because I'm so stressed out at work. My guess is that you think I'm lying about the computers being down, because you sent me this email and I didn't respond right away...Well, I got your email at about 10pm or so tonight. I called and spoke to *E* and you were asleep. I sent you one short email (because I was very busy at work), but then I got to Mom's house and....I never thought I would ask anyone this, or even care, but...why did you delete me and change your name to f on my space ? why do you jump to conclusions so quickly ? or maybe it's me, I don't know, maybe I'm reading things wrong. This is one of the things that I am very afraid of...the spewing of poison when you don't have any facts to base any spewing on. You can go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye and it really fucks me up. This is also one of the reasons I explain myself to everyone, so that no one misunderstands me. As good as I can be with words, and I'm not an idiot, alot of times I say something and it comes out totally wrong and it hurts the person I'm talking to. Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something, because I just go on in stride and yea, I ramble on, not knowing that I did anything wrong...but then the persons tone of voice changes and I know I've said something fucked up...I just don't know what....I've been doing it all my life. I'm going to vent for a minute, and I hope you read it all.The only reason I changed the stuff on the stupid ass my space, was because you had changed yours and I wanted mine to be like yours...call me a fucking fool or an idiot or even a silly fucking child, but I thought it would look better if we were both on the same page. My kids look at that stuff and I didn't want them to think, as foolish as it sounds, that I loved you more than them. I also wanted to have our relationship stuff on the same thing. I knew that you would understand somehow, when I told you on the phone, and I thought I would say something so you didn't freak out....but evidently you did. Maybe it's me that's jumping to conclusions, hell, I don't know. I'm a 43 year old man that has a fucking my space for crying out loud...that's pretty pitiful. Even more so, the fact that I'm upset that you may or may not be upset about something I did to my stupid ass my space page....and that is very fucking sad. I want to talk to you, face to face, but it never seems like we have a good opportunity to talk. Our last little email "fight" came from a misunderstanding and / or the way I worded something, and you went straight to " Just stay the hell away from me. Do me a huge favor…and just stay away." I'm afraid April. I'm very afraid. I don't want to fight, I don't want to hurt. This is the rest of our lives we're dealing with here, and I don't want to fuck up anymore. "
Okay, heh? I had decided to delete my myspace account, because I just don't have time to deal with it right now, and I didnt want people to think that I was ignoring them. Wow!
This is how it has been in my world for the past 4, almost 5 years. I say very little. He asks me in this email, "Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something?" CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT TYPE OF RESPONSE I WOULD GET IF I SAID THAT SOMETHING HURT ME, OR ASKED HIM WHAT HE MEANT BY SOMETHING HE SAID?! Believe me, I have made that mistake. And if you think he rambled on and rambled all over me in that one little email response from yesterday, well, you aint seen nothin yet!
I think our relationship is doomed. It has been doomed from the start. I need closure. I want it now.
(excerpt from email yesterday)
ME:
"Are you planning on moving back in at some point? I'd like an update on things."
HIM:
"You know, you have an uncanny knack for bringing up extremely important "life" questions that I can't just blurt out a yes or no answer to, in the middle of an extremely chaotic period of time. To answer your question in a nutshell, yes I would like to move back home, but I'm afraid to at this point in time. The last two nights at work have been sheer hell for me. From people being absent, to the computers going down then up then down again, to having additional work placed on my shoulders that I don't know how to do, to having 30 people pull me in 30 different directions, all the crap that happened and didn't happen when I wasn't there, to just feeling very anxious and lost. I've taken 4 xanax in the past 2 days because I'm so stressed out at work. My guess is that you think I'm lying about the computers being down, because you sent me this email and I didn't respond right away...Well, I got your email at about 10pm or so tonight. I called and spoke to *E* and you were asleep. I sent you one short email (because I was very busy at work), but then I got to Mom's house and....I never thought I would ask anyone this, or even care, but...why did you delete me and change your name to f on my space ? why do you jump to conclusions so quickly ? or maybe it's me, I don't know, maybe I'm reading things wrong. This is one of the things that I am very afraid of...the spewing of poison when you don't have any facts to base any spewing on. You can go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye and it really fucks me up. This is also one of the reasons I explain myself to everyone, so that no one misunderstands me. As good as I can be with words, and I'm not an idiot, alot of times I say something and it comes out totally wrong and it hurts the person I'm talking to. Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something, because I just go on in stride and yea, I ramble on, not knowing that I did anything wrong...but then the persons tone of voice changes and I know I've said something fucked up...I just don't know what....I've been doing it all my life. I'm going to vent for a minute, and I hope you read it all.The only reason I changed the stuff on the stupid ass my space, was because you had changed yours and I wanted mine to be like yours...call me a fucking fool or an idiot or even a silly fucking child, but I thought it would look better if we were both on the same page. My kids look at that stuff and I didn't want them to think, as foolish as it sounds, that I loved you more than them. I also wanted to have our relationship stuff on the same thing. I knew that you would understand somehow, when I told you on the phone, and I thought I would say something so you didn't freak out....but evidently you did. Maybe it's me that's jumping to conclusions, hell, I don't know. I'm a 43 year old man that has a fucking my space for crying out loud...that's pretty pitiful. Even more so, the fact that I'm upset that you may or may not be upset about something I did to my stupid ass my space page....and that is very fucking sad. I want to talk to you, face to face, but it never seems like we have a good opportunity to talk. Our last little email "fight" came from a misunderstanding and / or the way I worded something, and you went straight to " Just stay the hell away from me. Do me a huge favor…and just stay away." I'm afraid April. I'm very afraid. I don't want to fight, I don't want to hurt. This is the rest of our lives we're dealing with here, and I don't want to fuck up anymore. "
Okay, heh? I had decided to delete my myspace account, because I just don't have time to deal with it right now, and I didnt want people to think that I was ignoring them. Wow!
This is how it has been in my world for the past 4, almost 5 years. I say very little. He asks me in this email, "Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something?" CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT TYPE OF RESPONSE I WOULD GET IF I SAID THAT SOMETHING HURT ME, OR ASKED HIM WHAT HE MEANT BY SOMETHING HE SAID?! Believe me, I have made that mistake. And if you think he rambled on and rambled all over me in that one little email response from yesterday, well, you aint seen nothin yet!
I think our relationship is doomed. It has been doomed from the start. I need closure. I want it now.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tired
My husband hasn't moved back in yet. It has been since February. I have been paying the bills...I pay the mortgage, the utilities and anything else that comes up. He does give me money for the car insurance, because he hasn't taken his name off of my policy yet. He also gave me $500 dollars to buy some roller skates and cable tv. I have lived here for 5 months without cable. He moved out in February, so he was here for about 6 weeks - more like 5 or less.
I am still not sure what he wants. I asked him point blank to move back in, and he actually ignored my request. He spent 6 weeks trying his best to win me back - begging me everyday - treating me like a queen...and then it all stopped. He is still staying with his mother, and I am still here on my own handling everything as I always have.
I have been handling adult things since age 16. That is when I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter. I have been handling bills, going without, living from paycheck to paycheck since a very early age. I am just tired. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of never having money. I am tired of watching my friends get ahead, while I stay behind...I am tired of seeing my husband lounge around at his mother's house without a care in the world, and I am tired of handling things on my own.
Bottom line. If I am handling things on my own. If I am depending on myself as usual. What is it that I need my husband to come home for? So, I can add to the pile? I am just tired.
On a lighter note. When everyone moves out of my house. I am going to walk around naked all the time. I am going to put on high heels, I am going to buy a sexy apron, I am going to buy me some bright red lipstick, and I am going to become my own sexy little slave...
I guess I might need a magic wand...you know...the one made by hitachi.
I am still not sure what he wants. I asked him point blank to move back in, and he actually ignored my request. He spent 6 weeks trying his best to win me back - begging me everyday - treating me like a queen...and then it all stopped. He is still staying with his mother, and I am still here on my own handling everything as I always have.
I have been handling adult things since age 16. That is when I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter. I have been handling bills, going without, living from paycheck to paycheck since a very early age. I am just tired. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of never having money. I am tired of watching my friends get ahead, while I stay behind...I am tired of seeing my husband lounge around at his mother's house without a care in the world, and I am tired of handling things on my own.
Bottom line. If I am handling things on my own. If I am depending on myself as usual. What is it that I need my husband to come home for? So, I can add to the pile? I am just tired.
On a lighter note. When everyone moves out of my house. I am going to walk around naked all the time. I am going to put on high heels, I am going to buy a sexy apron, I am going to buy me some bright red lipstick, and I am going to become my own sexy little slave...
I guess I might need a magic wand...you know...the one made by hitachi.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Okay, I have a couple of things on my mind today. I had to make myself stop and take a break from data entry for just a moment, so that I could type out all the thoughts swirling around in my head and try to make a little sense of it all.
First of all, I am having a problem being a friend right now. Yes, I typed that right...I am having a problem being a friend. I am a very private person, and as you have learned in a previous entry, I do not like criticism. I guess maybe I am too sensitive - I am a worrier. I worry about everything all the time. Friends give me just a little more to worry about, and I have a huge problem with it. I like my friends...I even LOVE my friends. I have had the same best friend since the 6th grade. But, with friendship, comes responsibility...like biting my tongue when I really just want to say chill the fuck out, or shut the hell up. I am purposely very passive with my friends, and I listen to them talk on and on and on about their lives, because I want them to know I am here for them always. But, I also do not speak up when I need to. I am not always honest about my opinions, because I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. My friends; however, do not show me the same courtesy. Damn...I am not really saying what I want to say here.
Let's start over...What I am trying to say is - my friends can be very opinionated people, and I feel that I get lost in there somewhere. They always talk about hating this and hating that. They hate the way the kids wear their hair these days, or I have one friend that HATES everyone that buys a pure bread puppy, or that doesnt spay or neuter their pets. I agree that everyone should spay or neuter their pets, but I dont hate anyone who doesn't. Some people have different reasons for doing what they do. I have an English Bulldog, and I do not plan on having him neutered until I get one puppy out of him. I want to make sure I have another little bulldog running around without having to pay $1800 for another one. They are sweet dogs. I never let him out of my site, so he isn't going to inpregnate some poor unsuspecting doggy running around. Anyway. To her, I am a moron, but I keep my mouth shut, because she is a bitch, and I wouldn't be able to reason with her anyway. She sends out all this PETA propaganda (I don't like PETA, by the way), and I delete it. For some reason I always read a little bit of her messages that are sent with the propaganda, and it always pisses me off.
I have another friend that is renting the house next door to me, and I am having problems there too...I am just afraid she is going to get too nosey about the problems going on between myself and my husband...
This entry is getting too long. I have to cut this off now.
More later.
First of all, I am having a problem being a friend right now. Yes, I typed that right...I am having a problem being a friend. I am a very private person, and as you have learned in a previous entry, I do not like criticism. I guess maybe I am too sensitive - I am a worrier. I worry about everything all the time. Friends give me just a little more to worry about, and I have a huge problem with it. I like my friends...I even LOVE my friends. I have had the same best friend since the 6th grade. But, with friendship, comes responsibility...like biting my tongue when I really just want to say chill the fuck out, or shut the hell up. I am purposely very passive with my friends, and I listen to them talk on and on and on about their lives, because I want them to know I am here for them always. But, I also do not speak up when I need to. I am not always honest about my opinions, because I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings. My friends; however, do not show me the same courtesy. Damn...I am not really saying what I want to say here.
Let's start over...What I am trying to say is - my friends can be very opinionated people, and I feel that I get lost in there somewhere. They always talk about hating this and hating that. They hate the way the kids wear their hair these days, or I have one friend that HATES everyone that buys a pure bread puppy, or that doesnt spay or neuter their pets. I agree that everyone should spay or neuter their pets, but I dont hate anyone who doesn't. Some people have different reasons for doing what they do. I have an English Bulldog, and I do not plan on having him neutered until I get one puppy out of him. I want to make sure I have another little bulldog running around without having to pay $1800 for another one. They are sweet dogs. I never let him out of my site, so he isn't going to inpregnate some poor unsuspecting doggy running around. Anyway. To her, I am a moron, but I keep my mouth shut, because she is a bitch, and I wouldn't be able to reason with her anyway. She sends out all this PETA propaganda (I don't like PETA, by the way), and I delete it. For some reason I always read a little bit of her messages that are sent with the propaganda, and it always pisses me off.
I have another friend that is renting the house next door to me, and I am having problems there too...I am just afraid she is going to get too nosey about the problems going on between myself and my husband...
This entry is getting too long. I have to cut this off now.
More later.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Constructive Criticism
Taking a little break here at work; which is very unusual. Not sure why I have finished my work early, but okay, I am down with that... I still have other things to do, but normally, I don't get to the secondary stuff. What really sucks about work right now (and I have to try hard to find something that sucks about my job, mind you), but anyway, what sucks about my job right now is that we are checking in behind each other's work - finding each other's mistakes, so that they can be promptly corrected. The thing is, I am making more mistakes than anyone!! This is very difficult for me, because in my head - I am perfect. I do not want anyone to burst my little bubble. How dare they show me my mistakes??!! There must be a good reason why I skipped over that name, or didn't cross that "t"... Man, why can't I be perfect? I try so hard not to act irritated at the person that finds my mistakes. Funny, eh? Does everyone feel that way? I hate - hate - hate for someone to point out my mistakes (er. shortcomings). I know that no one means any harm...I know about constructive criticism. I work in the real world, so I know that we have to be a part of a team, and being a part of a team, means helping each other succeed - blah, blah, blah! But, I want to be a baby! I want to pitch a fit and tell everyone to "fuck off" when they show me my mistakes. I feel like they are all smirking at me, rubbing their hands together and plotting to fire me!
Really, I know that no one is plotting against me, and that we are all just doing what we get paid for...But, I checked behind one of my coworkers and her work was absolutely perfect. No mistakes. Wha? My brain must be getting mushy. I have to slow down. I need to make sure that I make no mistakes at all; otherwise, I am going to explode!
I really do like my job, and I love all the people I work with. This is my problem. This is my secret. I try not to show my insecurities. God, help me to learn to deal with constructive criticism.
I think that might be the first time that I have ever admitted to having a problem with criticism...I'll bet my husband already knows.
Really, I know that no one is plotting against me, and that we are all just doing what we get paid for...But, I checked behind one of my coworkers and her work was absolutely perfect. No mistakes. Wha? My brain must be getting mushy. I have to slow down. I need to make sure that I make no mistakes at all; otherwise, I am going to explode!
I really do like my job, and I love all the people I work with. This is my problem. This is my secret. I try not to show my insecurities. God, help me to learn to deal with constructive criticism.
I think that might be the first time that I have ever admitted to having a problem with criticism...I'll bet my husband already knows.
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