HEH?

Here is one reason that my husband and I are not together right now. Can we say, break down in communication? Actually, we have always had this problem...I ask a simple question, and this is what I get:

(excerpt from email yesterday)
ME:
"Are you planning on moving back in at some point? I'd like an update on things."

HIM:
"You know, you have an uncanny knack for bringing up extremely important "life" questions that I can't just blurt out a yes or no answer to, in the middle of an extremely chaotic period of time. To answer your question in a nutshell, yes I would like to move back home, but I'm afraid to at this point in time. The last two nights at work have been sheer hell for me. From people being absent, to the computers going down then up then down again, to having additional work placed on my shoulders that I don't know how to do, to having 30 people pull me in 30 different directions, all the crap that happened and didn't happen when I wasn't there, to just feeling very anxious and lost. I've taken 4 xanax in the past 2 days because I'm so stressed out at work. My guess is that you think I'm lying about the computers being down, because you sent me this email and I didn't respond right away...Well, I got your email at about 10pm or so tonight. I called and spoke to *E* and you were asleep. I sent you one short email (because I was very busy at work), but then I got to Mom's house and....I never thought I would ask anyone this, or even care, but...why did you delete me and change your name to f on my space ? why do you jump to conclusions so quickly ? or maybe it's me, I don't know, maybe I'm reading things wrong. This is one of the things that I am very afraid of...the spewing of poison when you don't have any facts to base any spewing on. You can go from one extreme to the other in the blink of an eye and it really fucks me up. This is also one of the reasons I explain myself to everyone, so that no one misunderstands me. As good as I can be with words, and I'm not an idiot, alot of times I say something and it comes out totally wrong and it hurts the person I'm talking to. Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something, because I just go on in stride and yea, I ramble on, not knowing that I did anything wrong...but then the persons tone of voice changes and I know I've said something fucked up...I just don't know what....I've been doing it all my life. I'm going to vent for a minute, and I hope you read it all.The only reason I changed the stuff on the stupid ass my space, was because you had changed yours and I wanted mine to be like yours...call me a fucking fool or an idiot or even a silly fucking child, but I thought it would look better if we were both on the same page. My kids look at that stuff and I didn't want them to think, as foolish as it sounds, that I loved you more than them. I also wanted to have our relationship stuff on the same thing. I knew that you would understand somehow, when I told you on the phone, and I thought I would say something so you didn't freak out....but evidently you did. Maybe it's me that's jumping to conclusions, hell, I don't know. I'm a 43 year old man that has a fucking my space for crying out loud...that's pretty pitiful. Even more so, the fact that I'm upset that you may or may not be upset about something I did to my stupid ass my space page....and that is very fucking sad. I want to talk to you, face to face, but it never seems like we have a good opportunity to talk. Our last little email "fight" came from a misunderstanding and / or the way I worded something, and you went straight to " Just stay the hell away from me. Do me a huge favor…and just stay away." I'm afraid April. I'm very afraid. I don't want to fight, I don't want to hurt. This is the rest of our lives we're dealing with here, and I don't want to fuck up anymore. "


Okay, heh? I had decided to delete my myspace account, because I just don't have time to deal with it right now, and I didnt want people to think that I was ignoring them. Wow!

This is how it has been in my world for the past 4, almost 5 years. I say very little. He asks me in this email, "Why can't you just say " hey what do you mean by that?" or "hey, that hurt me" or something?" CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT TYPE OF RESPONSE I WOULD GET IF I SAID THAT SOMETHING HURT ME, OR ASKED HIM WHAT HE MEANT BY SOMETHING HE SAID?! Believe me, I have made that mistake. And if you think he rambled on and rambled all over me in that one little email response from yesterday, well, you aint seen nothin yet!

I think our relationship is doomed. It has been doomed from the start. I need closure. I want it now.